 Will You Let Him Love You Again? Following the difficult work, tears and fears, a day may come when you realize that your sexually addicted spouse is on a good track in his recovery. And so are you. You see that he has grown emotionally, he tries to connect with you, he takes accountability, he continues to work his program, and he does what he says he will do. Now will you let him love you? You are most likely afraid to be vulnerable with him again. You clearly remember what it felt like, emotionally and physically, when the secrets came out in the open. You clearly remember the emotional roller coaster that lingers for a long period following disclosure. If you have worked on your own healing, you have most likely been through the shock, anger, sadness, and the bargaining stages. You may have worked on forgiveness as you realized that this addiction has nothing to do with your worth or value as a person. Your healing journey has been a long one, and so has his. You have probably heard that the recovery period for a couple facing Sex addiction recovery is on average between 3 to 5 years. So when the time comes, will you let him in? Will you allow yourself to be vulnerable again? There comes a day for a couple who has done their long healing work to make the decision to take the chance, take the risk, be vulnerable and to jump in to truly connect with one another. You can’t truly love your spouse from a distance, surrounded by walls. It may be a scary step or maybe it has just happened a little at a time through the recovery process. One day, you wake up, and you feel loved and you allow others to love you. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  Registration OPEN for 2nd Live Webinar MPTM Training! June 2015 APSATS is excited to announce that our next live webinar MPTM Training will be held the first two weeks in June, 2015. We will meet Friday & Saturday, June 5/6 and June 12/13.This format allows those who cannot travel to a training site to still obtain the MPTM training and then seek certification! Our meeting times will be 8:30 AM Eastern until 4:30 PM Eastern with a one hour break for lunch on each day. The last day tends to end earlier. Registration will be limited to 18 attendees! Cost will be $850 if you register before May 28, 2015 and $950 after that date. To register, to www.apsats.org and click on training. Requirements to attend:
Once you are registered including payment for the training, you will receive via email information for your log in to the webinar. The webinar will be conducted through Zoom. You will be expected to be on camera throughout the training. There will be opportunities for interaction with other attendees throughout the training. Training materials will be sent to you immediately prior to the webinar electronically in the form of PDF documents (included in the price of registration). Questions? Contact APSATS at info@apsats.org or by calling 513-644-8023. Sign up today. What is APSATS? The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) is a non-profit organization dedicated to the professional training and certification, public education, research, and advocacy for treatment of sex addiction- induced trauma. APSATS is the only organization that specializes in the preparation and certification of Partner Specialists. We train and certify Certified Clinical Partner Specialists (CCPS) and Certified Partner Coaches (CPC) who subscribe to a developing treatment model that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress found in partners affected by sex addiction. You may be asking yourself, why should I bother obtaining more training and certification? Why Seek Certification? This certification will not only give you the ability to offer partners of sex addicts better treatment, but it will make you highly marketable. Since the release of the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, co-authored by Dr. Barbara Steffens, president of APSATS, partners are desperate to find professionals who work from this model! Emails are pouring in asking for referrals to therapists who have been trained by APSATS. Once you receive the certification (this four day course completes the training portion of the certification requirements), your name and information will be listed on the APSATS website.  A client once asked me to fix the emotional pain that she was experiencing. She was determined to get over her cheating spouse, move on and meet someone else. She asked what she should be doing to get over the emotional pain as quickly as possible. She reported that she still loved her spouse, but that it was time to move on and wanted to know how to stop loving him. Well, there is no magic wand for emotional pain. There are no directional books on how to skip the emotional pain, the only way it through it.
The pain is there no matter how you cope with it. It will not just disappear. Some people medicate emotional pain by drinking too much, taking drugs, misusing prescription drugs or quickly jumping into a new romantic relationship in an attempt to numb the pain. In the end, the emotional pain is there waiting for them. The best way is to find things that help you through the pain without being destructive to yourself. Some people journal, some meditate, some run, some knit, some pray, some take karate classes….what is it for you? Is it surrounding yourself with people who will support you, allow you to vent yet not judge you for your decisions in the end? Is it taking long walks as you process your feelings? As time passes, so will the emotional pain. Things will become clearer and you will know what the next step is for you. While feeling emotionally distressed, do not make hasty decisions, allow yourself time to process and become balanced. If you are grieving the end of a relationship, realize that you will need to work through the stages of grief. It will not just disappear. You cannot just shut off your emotions. If you realize that the emotional roller coaster is too much to work through on your own, seek out a licensed therapist in your area to help guide you through the pain and establish healthy coping skills as you go through this journey. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from infidelity, intimacy anorexia, sex addiction and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  In cases of physical abuse, the victim is encouraged to leave the abuser. In cases of gas lighting, active addiction, ongoing betrayals and other forms of emotional abuse, the betrayed spouse will need to evaluate if leaving is a necessity for their emotional well-being. Maybe you love your spouse, want to stay married, but realize that the emotional roller coaster is too crazy making. You may be powerless over what your spouse chooses to do, or not do, but you can create an informed exit plan for yourself. This may be a plan that you never need to use, however, making a plan in advance could help you in times that are extremely emotionally challenging. Most people do not want to think about having to create a plan on how to leave their marriage, but it may be necessary.
An exit plan is a detailed plan on how you leave your relationship. If the marriage ends, where will you live? Would you be staying in the current residence or would you move out? In some states, the law appears to protect the person who stays in the primary residence. If you decided to move out, could it be viewed as abandonment in your state? Many lawyers offer free consultations to potential clients. You may also want to find out about financial issues, spousal support, child support and child custody laws in your state. Are you financially dependent on your spouse? If you find that your relationship is in a state of limbo or dependent on your spouse’s recovery, this may be a good time to evaluate how you would support yourself by applying for jobs, seeking job training or pursuing a degree. Stay at home parents may feel financially trapped, and returning to the workforce can be intimidating and difficult at first. Creating a viable exit plan can take months or even years, but if you are in a state of limbo in your relationship, then now is the time to create your exit plan. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  Many relationships are affected by emotional deprivation, disconnection, resentments or addictions. The question that you can ask your spouse in order to start rebuilding the connection is simple. The question is: “How was your day?” This question is important in building the foundation of your relationship. You are building an emotional connection when you take a genuine interest in your spouse. People who experience emotional deprivation in their relationships often report feeling unloved and unimportant because their spouse fails to ask the simple, yet essential question:” How was your day?” In cases of intimacy anorexia, it can be painful to realize that it may not be of interest to the anorexic spouse to know how your day was and that is why they do not ask you. They may purposefully choose not to ask. They are busy keeping the distance from you and they do not necessarily want to hear about you day, your feelings or experiences. In these cases, this may also work as a great tool to keep you disconnected. In cases of addiction, the addicted spouse has a tendency of being self-centered, focused on their addiction and it may not occur to them to ask you about your day. The addiction is in the driver’s seat and finding out about your day or feelings is not on the radar at this time. It is probably not until they have sobered up from their addiction that empathy comes in and they are able to take a genuine interest in how you are doing. Obviously there are variations of issues that can result and pop up in relationships; however, asking your spouse how their day was is an ongoing important question in building or maintaining emotional intimacy. The question is asked out of genuine love, interest and connection. It is not a one-time thing and then you “forget.” Does your spouse ask you how your day was? Do they listen and ask questions? Is your spouse interested in hearing what you are saying? If you believe that your relationship is thwarted by addictions, emotional deprivation or intimacy anorexia, seek the guidance of a certified therapist in your area. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  Do you find yourself walking on eggshells in your relationship? Do you find yourself saying yes, when you really want to say no? Do you withhold what you are truly thinking and feeling because of fears of hurting other people’s feelings? Do your fears of abandonment and rejection keep you from speaking up for yourself?
If you can identify with any, or all of those questions, you are not being true to yourself or to others. You are failing to be your own advocate and you are depriving others of truly knowing you. You may think that your withholding of your true thoughts and feelings is a way to avoid hurt feelings, yet you are assuming that the other person will not be able to handle you having a different opinion, thought or feeling. Saying what you think other people want to hear, instead of sharing what you truly think and feel, is an emotional intimacy buster. It can create frustration and resentment on your part and confusion for the person you are interacting with. The other person may think that you are thrilled with an activity that you agreed to participate in, yet you may be irritable and can’t wait to get it over with, which creates an awkward situation for all involved. You can become assertive, stand up for yourself, build self-esteem and create more authentic relationships by starting to become more aware of the times when you “throw yourself under the bus” by not speaking up for yourself, withholding information or agreeing to something that you really don’t want to do. Do you do this on a daily basis? What is the situation? Who is the person who you normally do this with? You can then take it a step further and analyze why you are walking on eggshells around these specific people. What are you afraid of? Do you have simmering fears of rejection or abandonment that prevents you from taking a stance for yourself? Make a commitment to yourself by starting to figure out the main areas of your life that you want to change. Start practicing by declining commitments that you do not want to participate in and stand up for yourself in a non-aggressive way to share what your thoughts and feelings are. If you have become shut down due to emotional manipulation where your relationship partner uses verbal anger outbursts when you do not agree with their point of view, you may want to plan ahead before addressing a situation. Plan for timing: When is a good time of the day when both of you are calm, free from children running around the house, and electronics are off? Plan for seating: What is a good room to have a private conversation? Where do you sit when you have this conversation? Do you prefer to have some distance between you, such as a coffee table or a kitchen counter? Some people state that they feel emotionally safer when having some physical distance. Address one topic at a time. If you discuss several issues at one time, the conversation may go all over the place and you are more likely not to get your message across. If you have difficulty being assertive and authentic with people in your life, or if your relationship is suffering due to ongoing communication problems, contact a licensed therapist in your area. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, intimacy deprivation, depression and anxiety. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  And You Let Them Go…
One of the hardest things to do is leaving a loved one and ending a relationship that you so desperately want to work. You realize that no matter how hard you try, you can’t make a one-sided relationship work. You now see that you are not as important to them as they are to you. There is no trust left and you see how you lost yourself in the attempts to keep the relationship. You know that it simply will not work. You have tried to forgive past hurts, yet it makes it impossible to move ahead as the hurts still continue. Letting a loved one go involves a grieving process. It takes enormous courage, strength and ability to face your fears. Maybe the loved one you need to leave behind is a spouse. A spouse whom you love, but you realize that their actions are not changing and it creates repeat feelings of insanity, betrayal and hurt. Maybe your loved one is struggling with an addiction that they have sworn they would seek help for. They swear that this is the last time that your heart is broken by the lies. Yet, you have heard that many times in the past. Maybe you feel so emotionally deprived, yet your spouse keeps walls up, remains cold and distant. Whatever the reasons may be, you know that you are crumbling on the inside and it is necessary for you to let them go. You reach a breaking point. A point of no return- the point at which you know there is no more going back, no more trying harder, no more trying to fix things again. The point is when you realize that for your own sanity, serenity and peace, you need to save yourself. And you decide to let them go…. Your heart breaks because despite all the emotional havoc created by your loved one, you love them, you want to believe them, you want to stay but at the point of no return, you grieve as you know it is time to let them go. Make a plan for yourself. Do not act on spur of the moment thoughts. Do not act when you are emotionally distraught. Allow yourself time to think and plan. Where will you go? If you share living space, who stays, who leaves? Who are the safe people in your life who will not judge you but will support you? Are you financially ready to leave? Will you need time to get a job/training? If you are married, have you consulted with a lawyer to see what the laws are in your state regarding child support and alimony? What are your own emotional resources that you can utilize? What are your strengths? How do you know that your time has come? How can you determine that there is no going back? You will know because you can feel it. There are no uncertainties and confusion any longer. You know that there is no going back. It won’t work. Many people can relate to the following: The Pain Stops Author Unknown The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child. The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold. The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort. The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss. The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know. The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work. The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth. The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become. The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lie in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart. The Pain Stops: When you are ready. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  It is painful when you look at your marriage and realize that you feel like a roommate. There is generally no talk about hopes, dreams, spirituality or feelings. Instead communication is mostly about child care, child activities, bill payments and the endless “To-do” lists. The to-do list conversations are not very sexy, nor does it create emotional intimacy. Over time, you may start feeling disconnected and emotionally starved.
It takes dedication from both spouses to get out of this long lasting rut. The spouse who is emotionally deprived may feel anger, resentment and disappointment. The “anorexic” spouse may feel defensive, anxious and resistant to make changes at first. Emotional deprivation or the term “Intimacy Anorexia” as coined by Psychologist, Doug Weiss, has devastating effects on the relationship. Doug Weiss, Ph.D., refers to Intimacy Anorexia being present in the relationship when 5 of the following criteria are met:
Intimacy anorexia can ruin a relationship unless it is addressed. Often, the spouse of the Intimacy Anorexic, will say that they feel like their spouse is cold, disengaged, and puts up walls. The greatest avoidance strategy for the anorexic is technology. They can sit on the same couch as the spouse, but completely “escape” connecting intimately by using social media, researching, gaming, checking email, chatting or completely tuning everything out while watching TV. If you or your spouse can identify with the criteria above, step out of feeling emotionally deprived in your relationship. Seek out an SRT certified therapist in your area to start working on building intimacy and emotional connection. There are several techniques and homework assignments that can be utilized in order to obtain more connection in the relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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