APSATS Certification Training West Palm Beach, FL May 14-17 The Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model Training Sex addiction and compulsivity is an issue being encountered within all clinical treatment settings. The wounded and betrayed partner or spouse is, in many settings, the primary patient/client seeking effective assistance and treatment. Over the past several years, there has been a move toward utilizing a trauma perspective in treating the traumatic impact of sex addiction upon the partner or spouse. This is the essential difference from the historical sex addiction models that emerged in the 1980s. Our Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model training seeks to provide a sound foundation for assisting partners in their healing process, and is the required training toward certification as a Clinical Partner Specialist (CCPS) or Partner Coach (CPC).
This four-day training will: review prevailing models of treatment for partners of sexual addicts introduce a unifying model for treatment of partners, and discuss the various traumatic effects surrounding sex addiction upon the intimate partner or spouse The training will also discuss: treatment strategies and techniques assessment processes, and ongoing support necessary for successful trauma resolution for the partner and the relationship Participants will: gain understanding of the Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model of partner treatment gain understanding and skills related to integrating the MPT Model in the treatment of the person with the addiction gain understanding of empirically researched theories and skills related to effective trauma response and treatment that promote trauma resolution obtain information about the clinical needs of special populations of partners of sexual addicts gain understanding of the unique ethical issues related to treatment of partners, including the issue of potential treatment-induced trauma The MPTM Training schedule is 4 days long, from 8:30 AM until 4:30 PM each day. Attendance for the entire 4 day training is required for certification. Registration is now open! Visit www.APSATS.org for more information APSATS is the only organization that specializes in the preparation and certification of Partner Specialists. We train and certify Certified Clinical Partner Specialists (CCPS) and Certified Partner Coaches (CPC) who subscribe to a developing treatment model that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress found in partners affected by sex addiction. ~ Life sometimes feels like it beats us up. Maybe we struggle with stress, depression or people who have hurt us. Maybe we carry unresolved grief, resentment and disappointments. We may not have fulfilled dreams that we had, advanced in careers like we planned or we may feel unappreciated in our relationships. That can change if you choose to change it. It could be that that your thinking has become stuck on focusing on all the negatives in your life; it could be that your self-esteem has taken such a hit that you no longer have faith in your own capabilities. Counseling can help steer you in the right direction, but it will not fix the situation unless you are willing to fight for yourself. Counseling is not a passive magic pill that is popped once a week and then not looked at again until it is time for the next session. Personal empowerment takes a lot of active work on a daily basis. Your thoughts lead to your feelings, which in turn, lead to actions. Start your personal empowerment journey by writing the messages that you “hear” in your mind about yourself. Do you affirm yourself or do you have a tendency to keep your focus on what you did not do right? If you find that your focus is primarily on negativity towards yourself, make an effort to change your thinking towards the things that you are doing right. Once you decide to give up on the self-defeating negativity, decide to focus on what you are doing right and keeping yourself accountable for the “stinking thinking” and negative thoughts that come to your mind. You can learn to retrain your brain to challenge the self-destructive thinking. You could use a rubber band that you wear on your wrist. Anytime you catch yourself dwelling on negativity towards yourself, snap the rubber band and remind yourself to focus on something positive, say a prayer or recite a poem to distract your brain from dwelling on negativity, self-comparison or perfectionistic tendencies. Another aspect that has worked for many is to write down affirmations. Keep a journal of things that you are proud of, how you handled a difficult situation, how you helped your neighbor, and things that you like about yourself. Then end the day by writing a gratitude list. Use your gratitude journal to write down things that you are grateful for. Maybe it was the kind smile from a stranger at the grocery store, maybe it is that you are grateful to be healthy or that the sun was shining all day. Add to your list daily. As your focus changes to what positive qualities you have, your self-esteem improves. Over time, you feed into your self-esteem and learn to trust yourself to make good decisions. Personal empowerment helps in tackling the things that you may want to change in your life- whether that is to seek a promotion, set boundaries or ending a bad relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. Emotional abuse can go unnoticed for a long period of time. Often, the spouse who is being emotionally abused does not realize that they are being subjected to emotional abuse. They may report feeling a little crazy at times, but can’t identify what it is that is messing with their sense of reality. Often, the feelings of craziness are ignored or tucked away. Emotional abuse is not always what we envision as verbal assaults or constant withholding. Emotional abuse can take place so subtly; a person may not even know that it’s happening to them. Emotional abuse can take place in a variation of ways, such as: name calling, anger outbursts, raging, blaming, shaming and withholding acts of affection. Lies are also abusive and go under the category of emotional abuse. Blatant lies and lying by omission robs you of the foundational piece of the relationship, which is trust. Another component of lying and manipulation comes in form of The Gaslight Effect. Gaslighting is the practice of intentionally manipulating a person’s understanding of their own reality. The goal of this intentional practice is to get the victim to doubt their own reality and memory. Gaslighting can take place in the workplace and within relationships. Relationships that are affected by infidelity or sex addiction are prime targets for the Gaslight Effect. The victimizer who has a secret and a hidden agenda, does not want the victim to find out what is happening behind their back. In order to cover their tracks, the victimizer will keep up the lies and when the victim senses that something is not right, victimizer will tell the victim that they are oversensitive, not remembering events correctly or that the victim always overreacts. Victimizers will utilize lies, denial, defensiveness and charm. The victimizer will tell the victim how they should or should not feel. The victim often gets to hear the phrase: “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Gaslighting can take place because the people who utilize this form of emotional abuse are generally charming and convincing liars who consistently deny any wrong doing on their part. The gaslighting behaviors are so subtle and covert. There is generally no intimidating or frightening behavior that set off warning signals. In order for this type of emotional abuse to be effective, gaslighting relies on first getting the victim to start doubting their own thinking. Once the victim starts believing that it is their own thinking that is distorted, the gaslighting can move into the second stage in which the victimizer can persuade the victim that the victimizer’s ideas are the correct and true ones. Gaslighting works because eventually the victim becomes so worn down. They may feel depressed and defective as people. They have been told that they are unable to make good choices, can’t remember things correctly and have poor coping skills. The victim starts believing these subtle yet powerful messages. The victim believes they are crazy and have a false sense of reality. They start to lean on the victimizer more and more as they now believe that the victimizer is the one who knows the best. The goal of the victimizer has now been achieved; the victim no longer trusts their own thinking and reality. The victimizer can now go on with the affairs or sex addiction. When the victim suspects something, they will ignore their intuition because they believe they are crazy and just making things up. The victimizer smiles, brings on the charm at the appropriate times, tells you how much they care about you and slowly tear you apart…..if you are in a relationship that feels like it’s crazymaking, you may have been exposed to the gaslight effect. In order to counteract the gaslight effect, focus should be placed on awareness, self-esteem, boundaries, personal empowerment and reclaiming your intuition. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. She had been married to the man she loved for a few years when she found the hidden stash of stolen photographs. Photographs of herself and her friends were found along with pornographic DVD’s. She stood there shaking, confused and afraid. At that moment, she lost the innocence of what she believed was true about her marriage and her husband. In this moment, it all changed. It is a moment that she will never forget. She instantly lost her feelings of safety. She was no longer feeling emotionally safe in her home or in her relationship with her spouse. She wouldn’t feel emotionally safe for many more years to come. She confronted her husband who admitted to sometimes “fantasizing,” but assured her that was in the past and not something that he was engaged in any longer. She still didn’t feel safe with her husband and asked him to sleep in a separate bedroom. At this time, she didn’t feel like she knew who her husband was or what he was capable of. They went to seek counseling from a licensed professional. She remembers feeling hopeful, yet anxious. The therapist told her that is was not good for the marriage to sleep separately and that they needed to be sleeping in the same bedroom ASAP. She obliged and wanted to do whatever the therapist suggested in order to try to save her marriage, yet she was in so much pain. She was so afraid. Fast forward another few years where more lies and broken promises had taken place. She was desperate to believe her husband’s promises. Sometimes she questioned her own feelings of complete despair. She felt that something was still not right; he continued to lie and deny. She wanted to believe him and in the future of their family. Eventually, she stopped listening to her intuition. She hid her pain and pasted a fake smile on her face. Eventually, the promises were broken again and the continuous lies confirmed. She went with her husband to therapist number 2. The therapist was eager to work with the husband and the husband’s diagnosis was formally confirmed as pornography addiction aka sex addiction. She was told by the therapist to go read a book about sexual intimacy. There were no referrals, no guidance, no support suggested or offered to her. After reading the book that the therapist suggested, she thought that is was her fault that her husband acted out. She believed that if only she was capable enough, her husband would not be doing these things. She felt like she was defective, “dis-eased”, and not capable of making good choices for herself. She was afraid and had no support. She didn’t know it then, but years later, she had to face the treatment induced trauma that she had faced. Treatment induced trauma can stem from a variety of ineffective treatment modalities utilized by a therapist. For years, partners of sex addicts were unfairly treated due to the failure to recognize her trauma, pain and grief. The partner was told that she was codependent and that she needed to work on her own “dis-ease”. There was no acknowledgement of her suffering, her anxiety due to all the lies she had been told , her fear as she may have been exposed to STD’s or the effects on her children. Therapist 1 who told the partner in the earlier example that she must sleep next to her husband is basically telling a partner of a sex addict that she does not have the right to set boundaries and should disregard the fact that she is not feeling emotionally safe. She trusted the therapist and was told not to advocate for herself, nor to protect herself. Therapist 2 who offered the only suggestion of reading a book about sexual intimacy added to the fuel of how defective she felt. That is what treatment induced trauma is. It took her many more years to recover due to the additional and faulty assessments and assumptions. What she needed was support, understanding, empathy and coping skills to work through the pain and shock that she was experiencing. There are so many stories of treatment induced trauma from partners of sex addicts, and it should not be that way. To find a certified clinical partner specialist in your area, please visit: http://www.partnertraumaspecialists.org/find-a-specialist/ Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. Our Next Training is in LA! Early Bird Rate Ends Soon. Our next training will be Feb. 5-8, 2014 in the Los Angeles area. Registration is now open! The training will take place at the Olympic Collection Banquet and Conference Center. This will be a full training, so we recommend registering early! Early Bird rate ends
December 15th. Training open to students! APSATS training is perfect for grad students or even undergrad students who want to learn more about how to help partners. Graduates of our training will be given a certificate of completion and the training will count towards full certification upon completion of all required elements. Come join us! What is APSATS? The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) is a non-profit organization dedicated to the professional training and certification, public education, research, and advocacy for treatment of sex addiction- induced trauma. APSATS is the only organization that specializes in the preparation and certification of Partner Specialists. We train and certify Certified Clinical Partner Specialists (CCPS) and Certified Partner Coaches (CPC) who subscribe to a developing treatment model that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress found in partners affected by sex addiction. For more information, please visit http://www.partnertraumaspecialists.org/ Please sign up to receive regular information on training opportunities, locations, research, and advocacy issues related to Sex Addiction Induced Trauma. Join our mailing list now! You may have been keeping a secret from your spouse for a long time. There may have been times in the past when you wanted to disclose the secret, but the fears of the unknown reactions kept you from saying anything. Maybe you had no desire to share the secret, but it was accidentally discovered. Anyhow, when secrets come out, the relationship will be rocky for a while. Once the secret is out, you may have thought that your spouse would be mad and hurt for a couple of weeks, then get over it. That is probably not the case. Whether the secret involves infidelity, compulsive pornography use, drug use or other acting out behaviors, you spouse is likely to be in pure disbelief at first. Then there may be anger, confusion and pain. There is no time limit on how long the healing process takes as it’s a very individualized. Your spouse will need time to heal, recover and eventually learn to trust you again in order for the relationship to survive. Going forward, you will need to practice rigorous honesty. You will need to be sensitive to your spouse’s needs and understand that the pain of the secret keeping will take time to heal. There may be times when the relationship seems to be worse as you go through the healing process. The relationship is actually not worse. The relationship has now become honest and sometimes honesty really hurts. Many things that have not been talked about in the past will now need to be addressed. There will be feelings that need to be processed in order to move forward. It will be uncomfortable and painful at times. You can apologize for the pain you have caused, but you can’t go back and have a redo. What you can do is to stay in the present. Listen to your spouse and ask what you can do to help. Do not tell your spouse how they should or should not feel. Do not get angry or defensive. Research shows that couples who are able to keep the communication open and honest are able to heal faster. If you feel like you can’t talk about it and just want to “hurry up and get over it,” you will only prolong the recovery process. There is no way around or a quick fix.You will need to answer questions, display complete transparency and implement boundaries for yourself and the relationship. It is hard work, but it is doable. Many people report feeling stronger and more confident is their relationship following all the work that both parties need to invest in in order to restore the relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. Feeling unheard and misunderstood in a relationship leads to resentment, anger and emotional disconnection. Who is doing this in your relationship? Is it you, is it your spouse or are you both stuck in a destructive cycle of shutting each other out? Are you easy to talk to or do you become angry, defensive or stonewall when your spouse approaches you? Are you able to listen and consider messages from your spouse that you may not agree with or do you immediately turn to defending your own position? Do you always have to be “right”? People who have to defend, convince, yell and argue are often times exhausting to talk to. If you are recognizing yourself in these patterns, you may want to rethink your tactics as you are creating great harm in the relationship. When spouses are unable to communicate freely with one another, it creates distance and emotional blocks. Resentment starts building and you will find yourself stuck with the same unresolved issues that you did not want to discuss or hear. The specific issue or relational problem does not disappear because you choose to shut down the communication. It still lingers there festering and building. First off, ask yourself why you feel like you always have to be “right”. People have different perspective on things, so why is it that you have to try to prove that your perspective is right? When faced with a negative comment from your spouse, why is it so threatening to at least evaluate if the comment may be something for you to work on? It is not about proving who is right or wrong, it is about hearing each other and working together to find amicable solutions that nourishes the relationship. Manipulation tactics do not only include using anger outbursts and defensiveness. Other detrimental tactics are avoidance, finger pointing and patronizing. Excuses I hear are: “I didn’t like the choice of words that my spouse was using; I didn’t like the tone of voice my spouse was using; I didn’t like the timing of the conversation”. These are all manipulation tactics to turn the tables and avoid the topic that was presented. Instead the tables were turned and the "problem” is now HOW the conversation was started, not the real issue of WHAT the problem is. If you are automatically turning to anger outbursts, turning the tables or defensiveness you miss many opportunities to hear your spouse. There are times when a spouse will tell the other that they have attempted for years to improve the marriage, only to be shut down. At times this goes on until one person has had enough, feels empty and is ready to pack their bags. At this time, it may be too late to try to salvage the relationship. You have the opportunity to listen to your spouse today. If you continue to feel stuck, contact a licensed therapist to help you improve communication and rebuild the emotional intimacy your relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from infidelity, intimacy anorexia, intimacy deprivation and sexual addiction. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. Are you feeling blue on most days? Are you sleeping more or less than what is normal for you? Are you having difficulty concentrating and making decisions? Could you be clinically depressed or could it be a case of the blues that will fade in a few weeks? In cases of situational depression, something has occurred to cause the depressive symptoms but these symptoms typically fade in time. It is normal to have the occasional blues and to feel distress when ending a relationship, losing a job or moving to a new city. When you are feeling down, it is important to prioritize self-care. Mindfulness techniques have been shown to be beneficial such as yoga, meditation and using breathing techniques. Eating healthy, exercising and resting are also important factors during this time. Journaling your thoughts and feelings as well as reaching out to supportive people can also be helpful. Think of people who are “safe” – people who will not judge you or tell you what you should and should not feel, do, or say. In time, maybe one day at a time, you slowly start feeling less pain, sadness and the blues start to fade away. In cases where the blues do not fade and seem to linger, you may not be fighting the blues; it may be depression. Depression can come in variations of intensity, severity and longevity. It is not the same for every individual and it’s not always what you see on the anti-depressant medication commercials on TV. In these commercials you see the gloomy situations where a playful dog comes running to its non-responsive, somber owner. Depression does not look like that in every individual. Depression can cycle between ups and downs; depressions can be a lingering feeling of feeling down on most days and in more severe cases, it can leave you unable to get out of bed. A licensed therapist can diagnose the type of depression and help you determine what the best course of action may be. Research has shown that people who suffer from depression have the best outcomes when combining therapy with the use of medication. Your medical doctor or psychiatrist can evaluate if medication may be beneficial in your treatment. A decision to try anti-depressants does not mean that it’s a magic pill that instantly takes effect. It typically takes 4 to 6 weeks to see the potential benefits. Some people describe the medication as helping lift the fog surrounding them. Others describe the effects as feeling numb and out of touch. You might need to try different medications before you find the “right fit” for you. It is important to evaluate the pros and cons with your medical provider and to continue with a healthy self-care plan .Depression is treatable and you do not have to go through it alone. Call today for a free 10 minute phone consultation to learn how counseling could benefit you. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS works with individuals struggling with depression, anxiety and grief. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. For appointments, or a free phone consultation, call: 214-551-0422 If you are a therapist or a coach who works with partners of sex addicts then you are aware of the multifaceted trauma involved in many aspects of the partner’s life. The sex addiction treatment models previously labeled the partner as codependent and “dis-eased,” which in many cases lead to
treatment induced trauma for the partner. Many partners were left to feel unheard, misunderstood and confused. We are a team of therapists from all over the U.S who came together to create a research based training curriculum for therapists who are passionate about the trauma treatment of the partner of the sex addict. APSATS is the only organization that specializes in the preparation and certification of Partner Specialists. We train and certify Certified Clinical Partner Specialists (CCPS) and Certified Partner Coaches(CPC) who subscribe to a developing treatment model that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress found in partners affected by sex addiction. We launched the first training for therapists, students and coaches in Dallas in June. It was an excellent opportunity for professionals from all over the country to get together to learn, discuss and advocate for the ethical treatment of partners of sex addicts. The word is spreading and we are forming a strong group of certified partner specialists. Please join us in Cincinnati! Cincinnati APSATS Training We are gearing up for our next training, to be held in Cincinnati on October 16-19 at the Cincinnatian Hotel – a historic setting for what continues to be historic work! Online registration is underway and filling up quickly. Please visit www.partnertraumaspecialists.org to register. We will cap registration for this event at 30. When faced with emotional distress, what do you do to cope with those feelings in a healthy manner? Most likely, you may want a quick fix for the emotional pain, but there is no such thing. Sometimes people may drink alcohol, engage in process addictions or take pills to numb the emotional pain only to realize that the pain is still there waiting for you until you decide to work your way through it. When faced with emotional distress, you need to have an “emergency tool kit” available with potential coping skills to help you manage through the emotional turmoil. Your coping skills may be quite different from other people’s coping skills as this tends to be very individualized. You may find comfort in painting a representation of your thoughts and feelings on a canvas. You may find comfort in pouring out your thoughts and feelings on the pages of a journal. You may find solace in walking- realizing that when in distress, walking provides you with a time to think, cry, and move your body until the edge of the emotional distress has subsided. Some additional coping skills that clients have shared with me are: going to a park, coloring, listening to music, meditating, yoga, calling a friend, stepping up the self-nurturing by going for a pedicure, massage or taking a long bath, engaging in deep breathing techniques, exercising, petting or playing with the family pet, learning to ground yourself by taking your shoes off, planting your feet on the floor and forcing awareness into your body by noticing what sensations you are experiencing in your body. There are no quick fixes for emotional distress. There is no short cut. The only way is through it- one day at a time- sometimes minute by minute. If you find yourself in distress, practice different coping skills and learn what works the best for you. Your coping skills will not magically erase the pain, but they will help you cope through it. And remind yourself, “This too shall pass……” Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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July 2016
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ServicesIndividual therapy
Marriage counseling EMDR |
Contact IngelaPhone: 214-551-0422
E-mail: Ingelaedwards@hotmail.com |