![]() When assessing and discussing marriage, people talk about how compatible they are, but the question: “Is your spouse a good companion?” seldom arises. When it does, people often talk about their spouse being a good parent, good sports coach to their kid’s team or being a good cook etc. What is a good companion? It would probably be defined differently amongst people and the criteria would also differ. Some people say that a good companion listens, is willing to talk, shares interests with you, is honest, reliable, kind, thoughtful, and respectful, just to mention a few. As you think of this, what comes up for you? As you make your mental list of what makes a good companion, now take a look at your spouse and yourself. Are you a good companion? Do you take interest in what your spouse does or is interested in? Does your spouse do the same for you? In cases of addiction and intimacy anorexia, you are not going to be able to be a good companion at this time. Addictions and Intimacy Anorexia draws you away from people and robs you of the ability to create emotional intimacy. People stuck in an addiction focus mainly on themselves and how to feed their addiction. It’s only through the recovery process that the person with the addiction can learn to honest, open, empathetic and eventually become a good companion. Addiction recovery focuses not only on sobriety, but also on how to become a better companion by targeting empathy building and emotional bonding. Marriage is complex and many factors have to work well in order to maintain a connected, loving marriage- companionship is certainly one of them. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. ![]() In cases of physical abuse, the victim is encouraged to leave the abuser. In cases of gas lighting, active addiction, ongoing betrayals and other forms of emotional abuse, the betrayed spouse will need to evaluate if leaving is a necessity for their emotional well-being. Maybe you love your spouse, want to stay married, but realize that the emotional roller coaster is too crazy making. You may be powerless over what your spouse chooses to do, or not do, but you can create an informed exit plan for yourself. This may be a plan that you never need to use, however, making a plan in advance could help you in times that are extremely emotionally challenging. Most people do not want to think about having to create a plan on how to leave their marriage, but it may be necessary. An exit plan is a detailed plan on how you leave your relationship. If the marriage ends, where will you live? Would you be staying in the current residence or would you move out? In some states, the law appears to protect the person who stays in the primary residence. If you decided to move out, could it be viewed as abandonment in your state? Many lawyers offer free consultations to potential clients. You may also want to find out about financial issues, spousal support, child support and child custody laws in your state. Are you financially dependent on your spouse? If you find that your relationship is in a state of limbo or dependent on your spouse’s recovery, this may be a good time to evaluate how you would support yourself by applying for jobs, seeking job training or pursuing a degree. Stay at home parents may feel financially trapped, and returning to the workforce can be intimidating and difficult at first. Creating a viable exit plan can take months or even years, but if you are in a state of limbo in your relationship, then now is the time to create your exit plan. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. ![]() Many relationships are affected by emotional deprivation, disconnection, resentments or addictions. The question that you can ask your spouse in order to start rebuilding the connection is simple. The question is: “How was your day?” This question is important in building the foundation of your relationship. You are building an emotional connection when you take a genuine interest in your spouse. People who experience emotional deprivation in their relationships often report feeling unloved and unimportant because their spouse fails to ask the simple, yet essential question:” How was your day?” In cases of intimacy anorexia, it can be painful to realize that it may not be of interest to the anorexic spouse to know how your day was and that is why they do not ask you. They may purposefully choose not to ask. They are busy keeping the distance from you and they do not necessarily want to hear about you day, your feelings or experiences. In these cases, this may also work as a great tool to keep you disconnected. In cases of addiction, the addicted spouse has a tendency of being self-centered, focused on their addiction and it may not occur to them to ask you about your day. The addiction is in the driver’s seat and finding out about your day or feelings is not on the radar at this time. It is probably not until they have sobered up from their addiction that empathy comes in and they are able to take a genuine interest in how you are doing. Obviously there are variations of issues that can result and pop up in relationships; however, asking your spouse how their day was is an ongoing important question in building or maintaining emotional intimacy. The question is asked out of genuine love, interest and connection. It is not a one-time thing and then you “forget.” Does your spouse ask you how your day was? Do they listen and ask questions? Is your spouse interested in hearing what you are saying? If you believe that your relationship is thwarted by addictions, emotional deprivation or intimacy anorexia, seek the guidance of a certified therapist in your area. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. ![]() And You Let Them Go… One of the hardest things to do is leaving a loved one and ending a relationship that you so desperately want to work. You realize that no matter how hard you try, you can’t make a one-sided relationship work. You now see that you are not as important to them as they are to you. There is no trust left and you see how you lost yourself in the attempts to keep the relationship. You know that it simply will not work. You have tried to forgive past hurts, yet it makes it impossible to move ahead as the hurts still continue. Letting a loved one go involves a grieving process. It takes enormous courage, strength and ability to face your fears. Maybe the loved one you need to leave behind is a spouse. A spouse whom you love, but you realize that their actions are not changing and it creates repeat feelings of insanity, betrayal and hurt. Maybe your loved one is struggling with an addiction that they have sworn they would seek help for. They swear that this is the last time that your heart is broken by the lies. Yet, you have heard that many times in the past. Maybe you feel so emotionally deprived, yet your spouse keeps walls up, remains cold and distant. Whatever the reasons may be, you know that you are crumbling on the inside and it is necessary for you to let them go. You reach a breaking point. A point of no return- the point at which you know there is no more going back, no more trying harder, no more trying to fix things again. The point is when you realize that for your own sanity, serenity and peace, you need to save yourself. And you decide to let them go…. Your heart breaks because despite all the emotional havoc created by your loved one, you love them, you want to believe them, you want to stay but at the point of no return, you grieve as you know it is time to let them go. Make a plan for yourself. Do not act on spur of the moment thoughts. Do not act when you are emotionally distraught. Allow yourself time to think and plan. Where will you go? If you share living space, who stays, who leaves? Who are the safe people in your life who will not judge you but will support you? Are you financially ready to leave? Will you need time to get a job/training? If you are married, have you consulted with a lawyer to see what the laws are in your state regarding child support and alimony? What are your own emotional resources that you can utilize? What are your strengths? How do you know that your time has come? How can you determine that there is no going back? You will know because you can feel it. There are no uncertainties and confusion any longer. You know that there is no going back. It won’t work. Many people can relate to the following: The Pain Stops Author Unknown The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child. The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold. The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort. The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss. The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know. The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work. The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth. The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become. The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lie in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart. The Pain Stops: When you are ready. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. ![]() It is painful when you look at your marriage and realize that you feel like a roommate. There is generally no talk about hopes, dreams, spirituality or feelings. Instead communication is mostly about child care, child activities, bill payments and the endless “To-do” lists. The to-do list conversations are not very sexy, nor does it create emotional intimacy. Over time, you may start feeling disconnected and emotionally starved. It takes dedication from both spouses to get out of this long lasting rut. The spouse who is emotionally deprived may feel anger, resentment and disappointment. The “anorexic” spouse may feel defensive, anxious and resistant to make changes at first. Emotional deprivation or the term “Intimacy Anorexia” as coined by Psychologist, Doug Weiss, has devastating effects on the relationship. Doug Weiss, Ph.D., refers to Intimacy Anorexia being present in the relationship when 5 of the following criteria are met:
Intimacy anorexia can ruin a relationship unless it is addressed. Often, the spouse of the Intimacy Anorexic, will say that they feel like their spouse is cold, disengaged, and puts up walls. The greatest avoidance strategy for the anorexic is technology. They can sit on the same couch as the spouse, but completely “escape” connecting intimately by using social media, researching, gaming, checking email, chatting or completely tuning everything out while watching TV. If you or your spouse can identify with the criteria above, step out of feeling emotionally deprived in your relationship. Seek out an SRT certified therapist in your area to start working on building intimacy and emotional connection. There are several techniques and homework assignments that can be utilized in order to obtain more connection in the relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. ![]() Anyone who is married to an intimacy anorexic spouse knows that every little crumb counts. That little crumb is what keeps you going, keeps you engaged and also maintains you in a vicious cycle of emotional starvation. You probably do not feel cherished or nurtured in the marriage. You are more likely to feel like a roommate, employee or nanny than a spouse. You may have become used to this pattern and depend heavily on the “crumbs.” The intimacy anorexic spouse will MOST of the time be the one who shames, blames, withholds sex, praise, and/ or love. Your spouse may also rely on controlling and creating distance between the two of you by using silence or angry outbursts. Feelings are not often openly shared with you. The intimacy anorexia arsenal is used on more of an “on average” basis because the intimacy anorexic will not utilize these deprivation tools ALL the time. The anorexic spouse will actually throw you a crumb now and then. The crumb will be thrown out for you to grab and hold onto when you complain that you do not feel loved, cherished or important to your spouse. The anorexic will soften momentarily and send you a crumb that can consist of an “I love you” text or an occasional hug. These crumbs may be confusing at times because MOST of the time you feel emotionally starved, yet on an occasion, there is a hug, an appreciation or an affectionate kiss. Psychologist Doug Weiss states that the intimacy anorexic behaviors are intentional. The behaviors are purposefully done to maintain the intimacy walls in the relationship. When you attempt to get emotionally close, the anorexic can throw out the silent treatment, anger outbursts or the blame/shame game to get you off their back. Sometimes, they will throw out a little affection to get you to back off on your confrontation regarding the lack of emotional or sexual intimacy. The intimacy anorexic’s intentions are normally not to divorce or leave you because that makes them look bad. They prefer to have you there, yet have the emotional walls up, and keep you emotionally starved. Nurturing and cherishing one’s spouse should be consistent over time. If you are receiving crumbs and feel emotionally starved by your spouse, you may benefit from reading Intimacy Anorexia by Dr. Doug Weiss, or seek a therapist who has specialized training in this area. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. “Your actions speak so loudly, I cannot hear what you say”- Source Unknown
Once trust has been broken in a relationship, it is very difficult to restore. It takes time and a consistent show of certain behaviors to rebuild trust. It is a process that has no quick fix. Trust can be broken in relationships due to infidelity, addictions or due to other lies and deception. Whatever the reason, once trust has been broken, the relationship is in a state of crisis. One aspect of rebuilding trust is to stop listening to the words spoken and watch for consistent behaviors over time. Listening and believing words spoken by a person who has been proven to be an unreliable source only creates additional anxiety and can be crazy making in itself. An addict often lies to protect the addiction, an unfaithful spouse lies to protect the secret relationship, and some people lie to avoid true intimacy in a relationship. Sometimes, there are so many lies told that it is impossible to sort out what is true and what is not. Do not spend time engaged in head games. Attention should be paid to observable behaviors. If the unreliable person is actually in recovery, then the behaviors that back that up would be seeing them reading recovery materials, attending groups, participating in therapy and utilizing new coping skills. If the not so truthful person has engaged in infidelity, then the behaviors that may support an end to the illicit relationship could be complete transparency with phone and email accounts, the end to unexplained absences, and show of empathy and regret for the pain they have caused. Broken trust produces pain, fear and anxiety. There is no quick fix to this issue. Often people will report that their intuition had been telling them all along what the truth is; however, often this was ignored in place of believing the words spoken by the deceiver. If finding out that a person has broken trust, believe behaviors, focus on your own well-being and allow time to provide all the answers that you need. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National CertifiedCounselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S
When people get married, they bring their own ideas about emotional closeness and what a happy marriage should look like. Most people envision romance, unconditional love and an endless supply of support, care and nurturing from their spouse. The fairy tale marriage does not always come true. Sometimes people find themselves in an emotionally starved marriage. The emotionally starved spouse who feels ignored may address the issue with hopes of connecting with their spouse, and in return receive a dismissive comment. This pattern continues until frustration levels reach the limit. Couple’s often come to counseling due to intimacy issues in the relationship. It may be that one spouse has intimacy anorexia tendencies. The term intimacy anorexia is coined by psychologist Doug Weiss and refers to a person who normally shames, blames, and strategically criticizes their spouse. This person is may be controlling with money and withholds love, sex and appreciations from their spouse. Commonly, the emotionally starved spouse will report feeling more like a roommate than a spouse. After several unsuccessful attempts at developing true intimacy in the marriage, the emotionally starved spouse may shut down in order to self-protect. What was originally motivated by self-protection may evolve into payback fueled by anger and sadness stemming from the emotional neglect. They may start using the same tactics of shutting out their spouse. Now a vicious circle of shame, blame, anger and withholding has been created. This response of starting to utilize the intimacy anorexic tendencies is referred to as reactive intimacy anorexia. The reactive intimacy anorexic spouse came into the marriage seeking ongoing intimacy with their spouse. They were able to take accountability for their actions, share their feelings and show love through affection, praise and respect for their spouse. They wanted to spend time with their spouse. Most people who became the reactive intimacy anorexic did not intend to participate in the emotional starvation game. The pattern of withholding and criticizing appeared gradually over a long period of time as a reactive response to being emotionally starved. Reactive intimacy anorexia appears as a side effect of being ignored and emotionally starved. The ignored spouse eventually shuts down and shuts out the neglectful spouse. It can be very difficult for people to be loving, praising and sexual with a spouse whom they cannot connect with -as all attempts are blocked. You may be experiencing reactive intimacy anorexia and no longer wish to state your thoughts, feelings or opinions because of the verbal attacks that you have received in the past. You now see your spouse as all bad and anything that goes wrong is blamed on your spouse. As this vicious circle spins out of control, the marriage will get progressively worse. The circle keeps spinning until one spouse realizes that it is time to step out, and seek treatment in an effort to restore the marriage. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Partners of Sex Addicts: When Sex Becomes another Chore on the “To-Do” List
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S You may be feeling embarrassed to admit that you have started viewing sex with your spouse as an additional chore that needs to be marked off the” To-Do” list. Well, you are not alone. You may not have thought of it this way and you probably would not say to your spouse that having sex with him is as boring as completing a chore on the “To-Do” List. Many of the wives of sex addicts that I counsel report that sex has become boring, empty and lacks the emotional connection. Chores and sex become equals when there is a disconnection from emotional intimacy in the relationship. If you are a partner of a sex addict in the early phase of discovery, you are probably not feeling safe enough to share openly with your spouse what you are truly feeling. Your conversations are most likely about what you have been doing and few emotional connections take place. You have probably sensed that something was not quite right in your relationship. If you are totally honest with yourself, you have probably not been truly happy in your marriage for quite some time. Your relationship may be plagued by intimacy anorexia, unresolved conflicts, sex addiction or all of the above. If your spouse is a sex addict, you probably think that sex has become demanding, routine and empty. That is because your sex addicted spouse most likely engages in objectifying sex. Your sexually addicted spouse probably cannot “see” you. Your spouse may be off in his head fantasizing and may view you as an object; therefore, sex will not be intimately connecting. In fact, many Partners of sex addicts often report feeling used and resentful. In order to move forward in your relationship and reach towards relational sex, there needs to be an emotional connection- deep emotional intimacy needs to be developed. Any active addiction will block these efforts. In order to develop a deeper connection with your spouse, you need to be able to be vulnerable with your spouse, share feelings, appreciations, and most importantly, feel safe with your spouse. This cannot happen if your spouse is active in an addiction. Sobriety in the addiction must be targeted first. Emotional intimacy is difficult, if not impossible, to reach unless trust has been rebuilt. Your feelings of emptiness will not go away magically overnight. It will not all of a sudden become less of an issue. You have the power to change and determine what you are willing to accept or not accept in a relationship. In counseling, you decide what the goals are; you decide how deep you want to explore and you choose the issues that you want to address. Your therapist assists you with learning new coping skills, aids in boundary planning and suggests techniques and exercises to help you connect with your spouse. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Emotional Starvation: When it is Exhausting to be Married to Your
Spouse Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX.Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS,LPC-S Marriage is“supposed” to be this wonderful union of two people who support, cherish and love each other. Well, you may not have received the fairy tale marriage that you once had hoped and dreamed about. Maybe it is quite contrary and you often find yourself feeling drained by your spouse? Do you sometimes feel like it is exhausting to be married to your spouse? If you are in a marriage where you constantly have to defend your feelings, then you are probably exhausted. Maybe you have the spouse who tells you how you should feel, or how you should NOT be feeling. This is the spouse who has little regard for your boundaries and does not accept that you can have feelings that may be different from theirs. This type of spouse will demand an explanation of why you are feeling sad, glad, mad or whatever feeling you are experiencing. When you have attempted to explain why you are having these feelings, then you are probably told that you are wrong for having these feelings or that you have overreacted. Feelings are feelings. There is no right or wrong feeling at a certain time. You feel what you feel. The exhausting spouse not only demands that you feel what they feel, and tells you are wrong for feeling the way you do; they will even turn up the intensity by their crafty tools of denial and rationalization. These tools are used on you when you may be addressing something that you are unhappy about in your marriage, behaviors that are harmful or the lack of intimacy. You may be feeling that the new gaming system has taken priority in your marriage or your spouse now has a closer relationship with their iPhone than with you. You go to your spouse and tell them that you are feeling sad and hurt because you feel like you are not important to your spouse. Your spouse then tells you that your feelings are wrong and then they rationalize their own behavior by fabulous denial strategies. Your intent was to create emotional closeness in the marriage by trying to communicate what you are experiencing and feeling. Your intent was then met by ramblings of how you are wrong to feel and experience things in thatmanner. Eventually you become completely exhausted, shut down or move out. What could be happening here is Intimacy Anorexia or the protection of an addiction. Addicts will protect their addiction until the bottom falls out, and they decide to do something different. Intimacy anorexics want to appear “good” at all times, therefore; they will spend much energy and effort at being “right” at all cost. Whatever may be happening in your marriage, you may want to take a look and think about what you are willing to accept. Most likely, things will not change until you turn up the heat and decide to change the pattern. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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July 2016
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Contact IngelaPhone: 214-551-0422
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