In cases of physical abuse, the victim is encouraged to leave the abuser. In cases of gas lighting, active addiction, ongoing betrayals and other forms of emotional abuse, the betrayed spouse will need to evaluate if leaving is a necessity for their emotional well-being. Maybe you love your spouse, want to stay married, but realize that the emotional roller coaster is too crazy making. You may be powerless over what your spouse chooses to do, or not do, but you can create an informed exit plan for yourself. This may be a plan that you never need to use, however, making a plan in advance could help you in times that are extremely emotionally challenging. Most people do not want to think about having to create a plan on how to leave their marriage, but it may be necessary.

An exit plan is a detailed plan on how you leave your relationship. If the marriage ends, where will you live? Would you be staying in the current residence or would you move out? In some states, the law appears to protect the person who stays in the primary residence. If you decided to move out, could it be viewed as abandonment in your state? Many lawyers offer free consultations to potential clients. You may also want to find out about financial issues, spousal support, child support and child custody laws in your state.

Are you financially dependent on your spouse?  If you find that your relationship is in a state of limbo or dependent on your spouse’s recovery, this may be a good time to evaluate how you would support yourself by applying for jobs, seeking job training or pursuing a degree. Stay at home parents may feel financially trapped, and returning to the workforce can be intimidating and difficult at first. Creating a viable exit plan can take months or even years, but if you are in a state of limbo in your relationship, then now is the time to create your exit plan.

Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.

And You Let Them Go…

One of the hardest things to do is leaving a loved one and ending a relationship that you so desperately want to work. You realize that no matter how hard you try, you can’t make a one-sided relationship work. You now see that you are not as important to them as they are to you.  There is no trust left and you see how you lost yourself in the attempts to keep the relationship.  You know that it simply will not work. You have tried to forgive past hurts, yet it makes it impossible to move ahead as the hurts still continue.  

Letting a loved one go involves a grieving process. It takes enormous courage, strength and ability to face your fears. Maybe the loved one you need to leave behind is a spouse. A spouse whom you love, but you realize that their actions are not changing and it creates repeat feelings of insanity, betrayal and hurt. Maybe your loved one is struggling with an addiction that they have sworn they would seek help for. They swear that this is the last time that your heart is broken by the lies. Yet, you have heard that many times in the past. Maybe you feel so emotionally deprived, yet your spouse keeps walls up, remains cold and distant. Whatever the reasons may be, you know that you are crumbling on the inside and it is necessary for you to let them go.

You reach a breaking point. A point of no return- the point at which you know there is no more going back, no more trying harder, no more trying to fix things again. The point is when you realize that for your own sanity, serenity and peace, you need to save yourself. And you decide to let them go…. Your heart breaks because despite all the emotional havoc created by your loved one, you love them, you want to believe them, you want to stay but at the point of no return, you grieve as you know it is time to let them go.

Make a plan for yourself. Do not act on spur of the moment thoughts.  Do not act when you are emotionally distraught. Allow yourself time to think and plan. Where will you go? If you share living space, who stays, who leaves? Who are the safe people in your life who will not judge you but will support you? Are you financially ready to leave? Will you need time to get a job/training? If you are married, have you consulted with a lawyer to see what the laws are in your state regarding child support and alimony? What are your own emotional resources that you can utilize? What are your strengths?

How do you know that your time has come? How can you determine that there is no going back? You will know because you can feel it. There are no uncertainties and confusion any longer. You know that there is no going back. It won’t work. Many people can relate to the following: The Pain Stops Author Unknown

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lie in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.

 Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.

APSATS Certification Training

West Palm Beach, FL

May 14-17

The Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model Training Sex addiction and compulsivity is an issue being encountered within all clinical treatment settings. The wounded and betrayed partner or spouse is, in many settings, the primary patient/client seeking effective assistance and treatment. Over the past several years, there has been a move toward utilizing a trauma perspective in treating the traumatic impact of sex addiction upon the partner or spouse. This is the essential difference from the historical sex addiction models that emerged in the 1980s. Our Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model training seeks to provide a sound foundation for assisting partners in their healing process, and is the required training toward certification as a Clinical Partner Specialist (CCPS) or Partner Coach (CPC).

This four-day training will:

review prevailing models of treatment for partners of sexual addicts

introduce a unifying model for treatment of partners, and

discuss the various traumatic effects surrounding sex addiction upon the intimate partner or spouse

The training will also discuss:

treatment strategies and techniques

assessment processes, and

ongoing support necessary for successful trauma resolution for the partner and the relationship

Participants will:

gain understanding of the Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model of partner treatment

gain understanding and skills related to integrating the MPT Model in the treatment of the person with the addiction

gain understanding of empirically researched theories and skills related to effective trauma response and treatment that promote trauma resolution

obtain information about the clinical needs of special populations of partners of sexual addicts

gain understanding of the unique ethical issues related to treatment of partners, including the issue of potential treatment-induced trauma

The MPTM Training schedule is 4 days long, from 8:30 AM until 4:30 PM each day. Attendance for the entire 4 day training is required for certification.

Registration is now open!

Visit www.APSATS.org for more information

APSATS is the only organization that specializes in the preparation and certification of Partner Specialists. We train and certify Certified Clinical Partner Specialists (CCPS) and Certified Partner Coaches (CPC) who subscribe to a developing treatment model that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress found in partners affected by sex addiction.





~

She had been married to the man she loved for a few years when she found the hidden stash of stolen photographs. Photographs of herself and her friends were found along with pornographic DVD’s. She stood there shaking, confused and afraid. At that moment, she lost the innocence of what she believed was true about her marriage and her husband.  In this moment, it all changed. It is a moment that she will never forget. She instantly lost her feelings of safety. She was no longer feeling emotionally safe in her home or in her relationship with her spouse. She wouldn’t feel emotionally safe for many more years to come.

She confronted her husband who admitted to sometimes “fantasizing,” but assured her that was in the past and not something that he was engaged in any longer. She still didn’t feel safe with her husband and asked him to sleep in a separate bedroom. At this time, she didn’t feel like she knew who her husband was or what he was capable of. They went to seek counseling from a licensed professional.  She remembers feeling hopeful, yet anxious.

The therapist told her that is was not good for the marriage to sleep separately and that they needed to be sleeping in the same bedroom ASAP. She obliged and wanted to do whatever the therapist suggested in order to try to save her marriage, yet she was in so much pain. She was so afraid.

Fast forward another few years where more lies and broken promises had taken place.  She was desperate to believe her husband’s promises. Sometimes she questioned her own feelings of complete despair. She felt that something was still not right; he continued to lie and deny. She wanted to believe him and in the future of their family. Eventually, she stopped listening to her intuition. She hid her pain and pasted a fake smile on her face. Eventually, the promises were broken again and the continuous lies confirmed. She went with her husband to therapist number 2.

The therapist was eager to work with the husband and the husband’s diagnosis was formally confirmed as pornography addiction aka sex addiction. She was told by the therapist to go read a book about sexual intimacy.  There were no referrals, no guidance, no support suggested or offered to her. After reading the book that the therapist suggested, she thought that is was her fault that her husband acted out.  She believed that if only she was capable enough, her husband would not be doing these things. She felt like she was defective, “dis-eased”, and not capable of making good choices for herself. She was afraid and had no support. She didn’t know it then, but years later, she had to face the treatment induced trauma that she had faced.

Treatment induced trauma can stem from a variety of ineffective treatment modalities utilized by a therapist. For years, partners of sex addicts were unfairly treated due to the failure to recognize her trauma, pain and grief. The partner was told that she was codependent and that she needed to work on her own “dis-ease”. There was no acknowledgement of her suffering, her anxiety due to all the lies she had been told , her fear as she may have been exposed to STD’s or the effects on her children. Therapist 1 who told the partner in the earlier example that she must sleep next to her husband is basically telling a partner of a sex addict that she does not have the right to set boundaries and should disregard the fact that she is not feeling emotionally safe. She trusted the therapist and was told not to advocate for herself, nor to protect herself. Therapist 2 who offered the only suggestion of reading a book about sexual intimacy added to the fuel of how defective she felt.  That is what treatment induced trauma is. It took her many more years to recover due to the additional and faulty assessments and assumptions.   What she needed was support, understanding, empathy and coping skills to work through the pain and shock that she was experiencing.  There are so many stories of treatment induced trauma from partners of sex addicts, and it should not be that way. To find a certified clinical partner specialist in your area, please visit: http://www.partnertraumaspecialists.org/find-a-specialist/

Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.

Partners of sex addicts have sometimes been labelled as: codependent, enablers, co-addicts,and "dis-eased'
just to mention a few of the terms that I have heard in the last few years. The women whom I work with do not fit these labels that were automatically assigned to them in the past. Partners of sex addicts have been betrayed, exposed to lies
and secret keeping from the person that they thought was their best friend, confidant, and partner in life. Once a person’s life is turned upside down due to the revelation of a loved one’s sex addition, sex addiction induced trauma is likely to follow.

Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma (SAI-T) is defined by Omar Minwalla as:“the specific type of trauma and traumatic symptom clusters that result from the direct impact of sex addiction and its associated chronic patterns of sexual acting out, relational perpetration, emotional abuse, deception, betrayal, psychological manipulation and compartmentalization on self and others, particularly partners and spouses impacted by sex addiction.”

Barbara Steffens also described in her book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, the trauma symptoms that are often present in many partners of sex addicts. Advocacy for the partner of the sex addict has been slow to change the ways experts in the field work with partners. Finally, it is here.

The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) was recently established by a team of professionals from across the United States who work with partners from a sex addiction induced trauma model perspective. The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) is a non-profit organization dedicated to the professional training and certification, public education, research, and advocacy for treatment of sex addiction-induced trauma.

Announcing the inaugural APSATS Board of Directors and officers:
Barbara Steffens PhD, LPCC, BCC , CCSAS – Cincinnati, Ohio - President
Omar Minwalla, PsyD – Los Angeles, California - Vice President
Janice Caudill, PhD, CSAT, SRT, SEP – McKinney, Texas - Vice President
Dan Drake, MFT, CSAT – Los Angeles, California -
Secretary
Dave Brown, M.Div.,LISW, CPSAS – Cincinnati, Ohio - Treasurer
Dorit Reichental, MA, MFT Intern, CPCC, ACC – Los Angeles, California
Richard Blankenship, MA, LPC, NCC, CCSAS – Atlanta, Georgia
Marnie Breecker, MA, MFT, CSAT – Los Angeles, California
Ella Hutchinson, MA, LPC, CCSAS – Houston, Texas
Ingela Edwards MS, LPC Intern, NCC – McKinney, Texas

I am proud to be a part of this movement and to serve on this board. For more information about APSATS, email [email protected]
or visit www.partnertraumaspecialists.org

Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area.

Anger alerts us to the fact that something is wrong. We need to stop and figure out
what is beneath the anger. Is it that we have been betrayed, disrespected or
that we feel fearful and unimportant? On the surface, we fume and show our anger, but within we may feel wounded.

 If you have been betrayed by your spouse due to lies, infidelity or sex addiction,
then you are probably on an emotional roller coaster. You may be experiencing
rage, despair, numbness and shock. There are days when you allow the tears and the feelings of pain to sink in, and there may be days where you fight off the feelings of pain. Instead of showing the pain, your body oozes of anger and resentment.

Anger is normal. Anger can also be toxic. If you stay in a state of anger and resentment, your world becomes small and dark. Not only have you been betrayed by someone you thought you could count on, but you may now be abandoning yourself by succumbing to the darkness of anger to rule your life.

At first, your anger is 100 percent legitimate. However, if you are still consumed by anger and resentment months following disclosure, then it is time to get to work to spew out the anger that holds you trapped. If you stay in this world, you will not be able to be your best self as a parent, friend, spouse or sibling. 
 
Try to analyze your anger: what specifically are you angry about? What fears are involved in the anger? Write an anger letter where you write down everything that you feel and think. DO NOT send this letter or allow the person whom you are addressing in the letter to see this letter. This is a private “spew your anger” moment. Read it out loud to yourself several times, then do something to release the built up anger. Some people prefer to hit a pillow, some need to go for a run and some prefer to throw ice cubes to release the built up anger. Do what works best for you. Find a therapist who has training in healing from betrayal, and allow yourself to be guided and encouraged as you work through
what is keeping you trapped.   
 
Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area.