 If you are in recovery for sexual addiction and you are in a relationship, you have learned that not only do you need to keep your own recovery in check; you will also need to consider your partner’s recovery. The same goes for relationships healing from infidelity. There are certain things that you want to avoid, so that your spouse is not triggered again.
Following disclosure, a triggering moment would be if you become defensive when asked about your progress in recovery/therapy. When you become defensive, it may signal that you have something to hide. If you allow defensiveness and irritation to seep through because you have repeatedly been asked about the same thing and you feel like that topic has been covered, you need to put yourself in her shoes. Your spouse will ask about your recovery or progress as many times as she needs to. Your spouse may be asking you these questions for the purpose of seeking some kind of emotional safety in a relationship where she may not have had any for some time. When your partner asks you about your progress, she is not attempting to be controlling or nosy. Her world has been turned upside down and she is still trying to seek safety in the relationship. She still wants to stand by you. When asking about your recovery, she needs to know that you are also taking the relationship repair seriously. She feels like you are holding her heart in your hands. You have hurt her and she knows that the chance of getting hurt again is a possibility. She is afraid and she asks for confirmation of safety. When you become defensive, irritable and angry in response, you have threatened her security of safety in the relationship. She has now become triggered and doesn’t know if she is emotionally safe with you. She may think that you have something to hide and that you are still lying and manipulating. Rebuilding trust and healing the relationship will take complete openness,honesty and a belief in the behaviors that you are displaying. Instead of her having to ask you about your recovery, willingly share it. You are not asked to share all your personal notes about recovery, but share how many meetings you have attended, share what step you are on or what general exercise you are currently working on. This allows more stability and relieves anxiety and irritation. When you have seen your therapist, share in general terms about what you discovered or learned. You do not have to share details. This allows for your spouse to see that the recoveryof the relationship is also important to you and that she is not alone in working towards rebuilding the relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  Anyone who has ever worked on addiction recovery will know how difficult it can be. Once you think you have your addiction under some control, it shows up with super strength powers that can leave you in turmoil and fear. The addict side will start having dialogues with you. The addict in you may send messages that states that you are a loser, shameful,” less than” and tells you that you will never make it in recovery. The addict bait may drag you into victim mode.
The addict bait is the nonstop negative messages that you send yourself. Addict bait is the very powerful negative thoughts that you allow to linger in your mind. These thoughts are designed to get you off your recovery plan and back into the addiction. The addict part of you will start churning the addictive cravings. If you take the addict bait, you have left yourself very vulnerable. Most likely, you will be so focused on all the negatives that you will no longer be able to see the great changes that you have made in your recovery. You will be unable to see that you have many accomplishments and made strides in your recovery. The addict bait is so powerful that it constantly repeats the messages of unworthiness and shame. It becomes like a broken record in your brain. The first step in combating the addict bait is to start doing affirmations, identifying the negative cognitions that you utilize and not to succumb to the repeating messages that your addict is telling you. This is a choice. You can allow the addict bait and stay with the thoughts of how horrible things are and keep playing that message, or you can choose to change the thought patterns by switching the message the addict is sending you and contradicting that by the use of a positive cognition. Instead of feeding into the message of “I am a loser and good things will never happen to me,” you may contradict that by saying: “I have made mistakes and am choosing to take steps to improve my life.” These tips may sound elementary, but they work. They work when you work it- working it daily, sometimes hourly if need to be. There is no “magic wand quick fix”, but not taking the addict bait, is an important hurdle to overcome. It starts with you. It starts with your thoughts and learning not to accept the bait as an invitation to roll straight back into behaviors that brought you to despair in the first place. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  If sex addiction has consumed your life and the marriage is now in jeopardy due to your actions, you need to fight for your spouse if you want to save the marriage. You fight for your spouse by following through on your recovery work, attending groups and seeing your therapist. You fight for your spouse by not defending yourself, your actions or by turning the tables and making everything about you and your recovery. You fight for your spouse by supporting her through her recovery.
Being supportive is to allow your spouse to share the pain, fear and anxiety that the addiction has caused her, and you taking accountability for the actions that led to her despair. You simply state, “I see that you are in pain and my actions caused that. I am sorry.” You also know that the past cannot be undone, so you could state, “What can I do for you today/ now?” When your spouse is triggered or wants to share her feeling, allow her to do so. Do not make this time about you and how great you are doing in recovery. Remember, your spouse needs you to fight for her. You fight by making it about her and her feelings. When she shares how she feels, you may simply say, “Tell me more about that” or “Is there something else that you would like to say?” This is not the time to become defensive, sarcastic or making it about you. Fighting for one’s spouse does not mean that you allow verbal or physical abuse from your spouse. You excuse yourself if verbal abuse or raging takes place. You may simply say, “I can see how angry you are right now. I would like to hear more about that at a time when we can both talk calmly about this. Please let me know when it is a good time for us to continue this conversation. “ It takes courage and practice to learn to hear and tolerate the pain that has been inflicted upon your spouse. In the past, you may have become impatient, defensive, angry and unable to hear the message.Your spouse needs you to hear her. Your spouse needs you to validate the pain that your actions caused her. Relationships can make it, and even become stronger following sex addiction recovery, but your road to couple’s recovery will be longer -unless you can hear her. Relationships are more likely to end, even if the acting out has stopped, if the sex addict becomes “the hurry up guy.” Dr. Weiss describes the “hurry up guy” as the person who cannot tolerate the pain he has caused. He just wants to move on quickly. He cannot allow for his spouse to grieve. The “hurry up guy” wants it all the acting out to be behind them, as if nothing has happened. It doesn’t work that way. She needs you to fight for her no matter how long it takes. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinneyCounseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling and Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  Anyone who is in recovery knows that there are times when the addict comes calling. The addict is the part of the brain that tells you that you should act out. The addict helps you minimize, deny and rationalize your behaviors. The early stages of recovery are tough because the addict has a lot of strength, is a part of rituals, and helps you feel “normal”. Obviously, you also know that the addict is also poisonous and will eventually turn your life into chaos.
So when the addict part of your brain, comes knocking, what can you do? Dr. Doug Weiss recommends that any person in sex addiction recovery utilizes The 5 Commandments. The 5 commandments consist of: 1. Pray in themorning- this applies to all recovering addicts regardless of your religious affiliation or spiritual beliefs. If you are not involved in any religion or have any religious beliefs, Dr. Weiss still suggests that you pray. You might say: “Hi God, Higher Power, Guiding light,” or whatever you choose. “I do not believe in you, but I have been asked to pray. Please provide me with strength and courage to stay sober today.” 2. Meetings- you may have surrounded yourself with the false illusion that you can recover by yourself. You have told yourself that you can quit this addiction on your own. Over time, and many failures, you may realize that there is a power in being “WE” and “US” instead of being “I”. Attending meetings are powerful tools in keeping the addict at bay. There are free 12 step meetings, such as SLAA, SA and SAA. There are also therapeutic work groups offered at many therapists’offices. 3. Calls- when the addict come calling, you pick up the phone and call the people who support you in your recovery. “We are not all insane at the same time,” is a saying from the 12 step community that implies that you may be struggling, and not able to see clearly at times, but there will be someone in your healing community who can help you on the right track 4. Recovery Readings- Knowledge is power; power to fight the urges that appear along the way. The more you read and learn about your addiction, the better equipped you will be to handle stress, triggers, and learning ways to guard yourself from your addict. 5. Pray in the evening- At the end of the day, you pray. Allow yourself to feel the pride, joy and relief for experiencing another day of sobriety. As you may have experienced, there is no quick fix or magic wand to make this journey easy. Recovery is not a sprint; it is a marathon. You practice, you seek insight and you seek support. Other areas of importance to explore are: family of origin, boundaries, coping skills, self-esteem and core messages. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area.  Secrets usually surround and protect sex addiction. Commonly, sex addicts will minimize, deny or rationalize the addiction. The addict may tell himself that no one is getting hurt because the addiction is
done in secret. The truth is, eventually sex addiction leads to a state of turmoil, and the family can also be strongly affected. If you are a person who struggles with sex addiction, you may know the personal pain that the addiction has brought you. You may have spent years trying to stop your behavior and struggled with feelings of shame, guilt and unworthiness. Maybe you are still telling yourself that it doesn’t harm anyone, because no one knows? Your sex addiction not only harms you along the way. It also puts your spouse in harm’s way. If you are using pornography, you will probably have less time to nurture, support and build emotional intimacy with your spouse. As you go deeper into your addiction, you may be irritable and blaming towards your spouse and the addict part of you becomes very critical of others. When the lies to cover up the addiction have been exposed, your spouse will not trust you. She will experience pain, anxiety, confusion, and anger. She may starts experiencing trauma response like symptoms. In cases of acting out with others, your spouse may have been exposed to STD’s as a result of your addiction. If you have children, they will be affected by your sex addiction also. They are affected when there is limited time spent with them because you choose your addiction over them. Emotionally, they may also suffer as most addicts are emotionally immature and do not know how to cope with negative emotions. Sex addiction will make you cranky and irritable, as the next “fix” is sought. Children may be exposed to angry outbursts and emotional neglect. Your children may also lose out on their mother’s attention, as she may be too overwhelmed by your addiction to be totally present with the children. The ripple effect is enormous and goes way beyond what is discussed here. If you struggle with sex addiction, you deserve to experience recovery – not only for yourself, but also, for your spouse and your children. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinneyCounseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. “Your actions speak so loudly, I cannot hear what you say”- Source Unknown
Once trust has been broken in a relationship, it is very difficult to restore. It takes time and a consistent show of certain behaviors to rebuild trust. It is a process that has no quick fix. Trust can be broken in relationships due to infidelity, addictions or due to other lies and deception. Whatever the reason, once trust has been broken, the relationship is in a state of crisis. One aspect of rebuilding trust is to stop listening to the words spoken and watch for consistent behaviors over time. Listening and believing words spoken by a person who has been proven to be an unreliable source only creates additional anxiety and can be crazy making in itself. An addict often lies to protect the addiction, an unfaithful spouse lies to protect the secret relationship, and some people lie to avoid true intimacy in a relationship. Sometimes, there are so many lies told that it is impossible to sort out what is true and what is not. Do not spend time engaged in head games. Attention should be paid to observable behaviors. If the unreliable person is actually in recovery, then the behaviors that back that up would be seeing them reading recovery materials, attending groups, participating in therapy and utilizing new coping skills. If the not so truthful person has engaged in infidelity, then the behaviors that may support an end to the illicit relationship could be complete transparency with phone and email accounts, the end to unexplained absences, and show of empathy and regret for the pain they have caused. Broken trust produces pain, fear and anxiety. There is no quick fix to this issue. Often people will report that their intuition had been telling them all along what the truth is; however, often this was ignored in place of believing the words spoken by the deceiver. If finding out that a person has broken trust, believe behaviors, focus on your own well-being and allow time to provide all the answers that you need. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Partners of Sex Addicts: When Sex Becomes another Chore on the “To-Do” List
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S You may be feeling embarrassed to admit that you have started viewing sex with your spouse as an additional chore that needs to be marked off the” To-Do” list. Well, you are not alone. You may not have thought of it this way and you probably would not say to your spouse that having sex with him is as boring as completing a chore on the “To-Do” List. Many of the wives of sex addicts that I counsel report that sex has become boring, empty and lacks the emotional connection. Chores and sex become equals when there is a disconnection from emotional intimacy in the relationship. If you are a partner of a sex addict in the early phase of discovery, you are probably not feeling safe enough to share openly with your spouse what you are truly feeling. Your conversations are most likely about what you have been doing and few emotional connections take place. You have probably sensed that something was not quite right in your relationship. If you are totally honest with yourself, you have probably not been truly happy in your marriage for quite some time. Your relationship may be plagued by intimacy anorexia, unresolved conflicts, sex addiction or all of the above. If your spouse is a sex addict, you probably think that sex has become demanding, routine and empty. That is because your sex addicted spouse most likely engages in objectifying sex. Your sexually addicted spouse probably cannot “see” you. Your spouse may be off in his head fantasizing and may view you as an object; therefore, sex will not be intimately connecting. In fact, many Partners of sex addicts often report feeling used and resentful. In order to move forward in your relationship and reach towards relational sex, there needs to be an emotional connection- deep emotional intimacy needs to be developed. Any active addiction will block these efforts. In order to develop a deeper connection with your spouse, you need to be able to be vulnerable with your spouse, share feelings, appreciations, and most importantly, feel safe with your spouse. This cannot happen if your spouse is active in an addiction. Sobriety in the addiction must be targeted first. Emotional intimacy is difficult, if not impossible, to reach unless trust has been rebuilt. Your feelings of emptiness will not go away magically overnight. It will not all of a sudden become less of an issue. You have the power to change and determine what you are willing to accept or not accept in a relationship. In counseling, you decide what the goals are; you decide how deep you want to explore and you choose the issues that you want to address. Your therapist assists you with learning new coping skills, aids in boundary planning and suggests techniques and exercises to help you connect with your spouse. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Betrayal In Marriage: What to do When you are Wishing That Your Spouse Chokes on the Broccoli2/24/2012
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S
Are you feeling ashamed about your secret wish that your spouse chokes on the broccoli, or whatever “death wish” that you suddenly and briefly had running through your brain? You know that you do not actually want your spouse to croak due to the broccoli, but the fantasy helps you from choking on your own feelings of powerlessness. Actually, you are not alone in having these split second thoughts run through your mind. There are people who have stated that their lives would be easier if their spouse was not around any longer- the words burst out with urgency and full of emotions. After this outburst, most people immediately retract their words. Many people are horrified at what had just come out of their mouths-looking bewildered, embarrassed, apologetic, and immediately stating that obviously they don’t want their spouse dead. So is it abnormal? Does it make you a bad person for secretly having a split- second wish that your spouse chokes on the broccoli? No, it does not make you a bad person. It does not mean that you are homicidal or that you actually wish for these things to happen. What it may mean is that you are experiencing many uncomfortable, painful feelings and that there are possibly many unresolved problems that you need to address in the marriage. You are not happy. You are not getting your needs met and you are disappointed at the deterioration of the marriage. You may wonder where these passive aggressive thoughts are coming from. Ask yourself what is happening in the marriage, what are you avoiding and try to identify what the unmet needs are. Maybe you have already analyzed these areas and you are afraid, for various reasons, of talking to your spouse about what is happening. Maybe you have tried talking to your spouse countless times only to get the cold shoulder, minimizations or blame. Do you need to set healthier boundaries? Are there addictive behaviors that are destroying the marriage? Are you enabling the behaviors? A partner of a sex addict experiences shock, disbelief and often suffers from trauma symptoms after finding out that her spouse is a sex addict and has been acting out sexually behind her back. Betrayed spouses who have found out about an affair or affairs experience pain, fear and anger. Spouses who live in emotionally starved relationships experience rejection, withholding and criticism on a regular basis. If you can identify with any of these situations, you are most likely in a lot of pain. It is the kind of pain that cannot just be swept under the rug. Seek out community resources; educate yourself by reading self-help books. Consider seeking professional help in order to work through the painful emotions, and work yourself to a place of healing. Let go of the broccoli death wish, it may actually save a life- yours. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern is a contract therapist at McK Spanking Pavlov’s Dog - Retraining the Addicted Brain.
Many people are likely to have heard of Pavlov’s experiment with classical conditioning. You know, the dogs started salivating at the sound of the bell. Pavlov had these dogs trained to the effect of associating the sound of the bell with being fed, and the dogs eventually started salivating at the sound of the bell. The addict’s brain is already “salivating” when thinking ahead of the future visit to Boo-Boo Mama. (If you don’t know Boo-Boo Mama, then read my earlier post). So how can Pavlov’s experiment be of assistance when the sex addict has reinforced the pleasure neuropath ways in the brain by the visits to Boo-Boo Mama? We spank Pavlov’s dog! Meaning that once the addict’s hijacked brain is salivating at the instant thought of visiting Boo-Boo Mama, we spank! Dr. Doug Weiss has provided an inexpensive, simple method for this negative reinforcement: The addict wears a rubber band and as soon as “salivation” starts, the addict snaps the rubber band. With time, the brain will begin associating the snap of the rubber band with visits to Boo-Boo Mama. Boo-Boo Mama visits are not just pleasurable any longer because there is also a sting associated with it. This method is not a babysitting method; the addict is responsible for this. The addict chooses whether the spanking occurs. You see, recovery in is an inside job. No one can MAKE another person become sober of substances or addictive behaviors. The rubber band method is effective with any kind of acting out method- whether it is scanning, objectifying, or fantasizing. As soon as it occurs, the rubber band is snapped. In time, the brain is “retrained” from the instant salvation, to “ouch!” It provides the addict with an opportunity to pause and rethink their choices. It gives the person who struggles with the addiction an opportunity to separate themselves from the addict who has been in control of actions and thought patterns in the past. The person with the sex addiction can be in control and “spank” the addict out of the decision process…one hour at a time, one day at a time. I am cheering for the person with the addiction, not the addict. It is up to you who you decide will take over in the end. Buy a rubber band. Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Larsen, MS, LPC-S 6 Types of Sex Addicts and Boo-Boo Mama
I recently attended a sex addiction workshop run by Dr. Doug Weiss from Heart to Heart Counseling in Colorado. I was there to learn about the six types of sex addicts in order to more effectively identify what was going on with clients, and to help them as quickly as possible. I never expected to hear about Boo-Boo Mama. First read on about the six different types of sex addicts as identified by Dr. Doug Weiss: 1. Biological Sex addict- found pornography and masturbation as a way to feel good and escape into fantasy-trained brain to reinforce and crave porn. 2. Psychological sex addict- has suffered abuse in the past, such as: sexual abuse, physical abuse or emotional abuse. 3. Spiritual based sex addict- had no connection to spirituality, but stops acting out when a spiritual purpose was found. 4. Mood/personality disorder sex addict- may medicate depression, bipolar disorder, NPD, or borderline personality disorder by acting out behaviors in order to stabilize mood. 5. Trauma based Sex addict- has suffered trauma and trauma bonding may have been the basis for acting out behaviors. 6. Intimacy Anorexic sex addict- purposely avoids intimacy with spouse and fills the void and emptiness with acting out behaviors. This is only a short description about the types of sex addicts. Sex addiction has horrible and devastating effects on the addict and his/her family. So where does “Boo-Boo Mama” fit into sex addiction? According to Dr. Weiss,” Boo-Boo Mama” belongs with the biological sex addict. I could not help but chuckle as Dr. Weiss attempted to explain the seriousness of the addicted brain, and the term “Boo-Boo Mama” came out. Dr. Weiss did this in attempt to explain the dynamics of the brain in a simple way, so those of us who are not neuroscientists could understand what was happening in the biological sex addict’s brain. So who is Boo-Boo Mama? Boo-Boo Mama is the fantasy that the biological sex addict escapes to when entering the fantasy world. She is the most gorgeous woman with the absolute perfect figure, and she wants the sex addict at all times. She is always positive, validating and affirming to the sex addict. The addict can do anything he desires, and she is always loving and approving. She doesn’t speak- the sex addict fantasies about what she says and does. Boo-Boo Mama makes the addict feel wonderful, powerful and wanted. When anything in the real world is stressful or hurtful, the sex addict can escape to Boo-Boo Mama and get instant relief. Boo-Boo Mama is easily accessible, because she resides on the internet. Boo-Boo Mama affects the brain of the addict. The addict constantly reinforces the pleasure neuropath ways of the brain by visiting Boo-Boo Mama. The addict also pays dearly, because Boo-Boo Mama will eventually drag the addict down into a world of lies, secrets and deception. Boo-Boo mama is a black widow or a praying mantis that will eat her suitor. The addict loses the ability to be intimate with real people, social skills may stall at an age where Boo- Boo Mama made her entrance, and Boo-Boo Mama may replace normal daily life responsibilities, which eventually may lead the addict to losing a relationship or a job. Whether you choose to call it fantasy, compartmentalizing, disassociation or just Boo-Boo Mama, Boo-Boo Mama is no laughing matter. If you are a partner of a sex addict, do not try to compete with Boo-Boo Mama, you will lose. Boo-Boo Mama is not real, but she will eventually chip your self-esteem away and leave you in despair, as no human can meet the unrealistic expectations. If you or someone you know is struggling with pornography addiction, on-going infidelity, or intimacy anorexia, call a therapist who has training in this area. Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX Supervised by: Debra Larsen, MS, LPC-S. |
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