i Pad, i Pod, i Home, i Phone and I disconnect- How the Apple of Your Eye May Use Electronics as a Way to Sabotage Intimacy.

Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX.
Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S

 Are you feeling disconnected from your spouse? Maybe it is full blown Intimacy Anorexia that is causing havoc in your marriage, or maybe it is “the little things” that add up over time that has created the distance. Today’s most popular intimacy busters are all the electronics that are available. This can be TV, computers, and gaming devices.  Maybe it is that electronic device that your spouse carries with him/her at all times that is creating the distance. Look around in restaurants where couples go out for date nights. What comes along and often intrudes?  -The  iPhone. You see couples sitting at the same table, but completely walled off from one another. Between them is that smart phone, or maybe it is his and hers smart phones that have joined the date and intrudes with Angry Birds, News and Facebook. Both parties have now managed to create a huge wall or bubble around themselves -blocking out their spouse, appearing busy and not wanting to get interrupted. Maybe you are sitting there without your iPhone. You feel lonely because there is no one to talk to- your spouse is sitting there across the table engulfed in the interactions with the iPhone.

You may have heard all the terms for gauging how loved you feel in your relationship- therapists sometimes refer to this as:  love bucket, love tank and love banks. In essence, all these terms refer to the same concept- people need and want to feel loved by their spouse. You need your thoughts, feelings and ideas to be heard. You need to feel cherished, nurtured and be seen by our spouse. These are all aspects that add up to fill love tanks - or whatever you choose to call it.  When you feel valued, appreciated, respected and can communicate freely with your spouse, you have a well provided love tank. If you are criticized, shut out, ignored, and taken for granted, your love tank quickly drains. When the love “bucket/ tank/ bank” is low, you are at risk for creating further damage to the marriage. You may become resentful, angry and hurt.   Your self-esteem may suffer when you feel unloved.  

So what is the connection between love tanks, smart phones and intimacy busters? If you are ignoring your spouse in favor of your smart phone, you are withdrawing from his/her love tank.  With time, the withdrawals add up. It is not a onetime thing; it is prolonged exposure to love withdrawals that can put your marriage in danger.  Other intimacy busters that create damage are: dishonesty, disrespect, angry out bursts, self-fish demands and lack of empathy.  If your spouse chooses not to listen and ignores you, you may want to learn more about the Married and Alone Group offered at McKinney Counseling and Recovery on Saturday afternoons. For more information, click the Group Therapy tab on my website: www.ingelaedwardscounseling.com or visit www.mckinneycounselingandrecovery.com

Partners of Sex Addicts- The Healing Journey with the Help of Group Therapy

Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX

Supervised by: Debra Larsen, MS, LPC-S

If you have been affected by your spouse’s sexual compulsivity, whether it may be pornography addiction or sex addiction involving other people, you know what a tailspin that can be. You have probably heard countless times that the behavior would stop, you have heard empty apologies and you have also realized that it was a lie. Learning that your spouse lies by omission or blatantly lies to you have devastating impacts on a marriage as trust is broken.

For the wife or partner of the sex addict, some of the effects may be: the loss of intuition, anxiety, depression, hyper vigilance, intrusive thoughts and fear. Maybe you have a “surgical cut” disclosure, where the truth is spoken at once and you have all the facts. This is a very painful time. You learn to reach out for help and start the journey to heal, no matter what the relationship status is. Maybe you have “rip and tear” disclosures, where you think you know the whole truth, but in fact you do not. The truth comes out in bits and pieces. The “rip and tear” disclosure pattern is worse for the partner and the relationship. Once the partner believes that they have the truth and starts to heal, another bomb hits. In the end, the partner does not believe anything that the addict says and the healing process is stalled.

The most effective healing journey for partners and wives of sex addicts is to work with a therapist who has training in this area and to join a therapeutic work group where you will get the support and understanding from others who have similar experiences. You no longer feel crazy, alone and you learn to become empowered, no matter what the addict in your life decides to do or not do. You will learn to set healthy boundaries to protect yourself. Most likely, you will experience growth, increased self-esteem and self-confidence.

McKinney Counseling and Recovery offers group therapy and support for wives of sex addicts. The therapy group meets on Saturdays from 12-1:30 pm. It is facilitated by Janice Caudill, PhD, CSAT and co-facilitator Ingela Edwards, LPC-Intern, NCC. The group utilizes a trauma based model that provides healing, growth and coping skills. We invite you to join us!  For more information visit: www.mckinneycounselingandrecovery.com