Lost in the Aftermath of Infidelity?  -A Roadmap to Healing and Restoring Broken Vows.

Can my marriage be saved? Where do we go from here? Is there hope for us? Will I ever heal? These are some of the questions that people may ask when they are facing the aftermath of infidelity. Trust has been broken. Anger, hurt, disappointment and fear are common feelings at this time. I believe that a marriage can survive and eventually, even thrive following infidelity- with time, honesty, open communication and great efforts from both partners. In order to do this, both partners must be willing to work on the relationship. One person cannot make the other want to heal the marriage-just like no one made the straying partner go outside of the marriage.

Betrayed partners need to be able to address the trauma, betrayal, uncertainties and pain that they are experiencing as a result of the infidelity. The staying partner needs to hear this, have complete transparency in all areas and must be able to answer all questions that are needed to be answered, as determined by the betrayed spouse. If there is complete transparency, ability to listen, ability to talk about the trauma and own the fact that the spouse who betrayed caused harm, there is a good chance for healing and restoring broken vows.

In counseling, we lay out the map. We look at where you are, and you determine where you want to go. With the help of your therapist, you will be guided and counseled on how to reach your destination. It will take work to get to the destination- you will navigate through feelings of anger, betrayal, love and hope. You will need to be each other’s co-pilots during this journey. You will navigate through battle zones at times, and cruise through beautiful landscapes at others. Remind yourself that this is a journey- you do not magically arrive at your destination. Finger pointing and blame are not helpful on this journey, so do not bring any of those along.

Stops along this journey will be determined by you. My suggestions would be: anger, grief, communication, intimacy, rebuilding trust, love, hope, and joy and at some point, forgiveness. I would suggest that you do not focus solely on what is wrong in the marriage, but when the time is right, also examine what is right in the marriage. What does your spouse do for you that make your life easier? What do you appreciate about your spouse? What has kept you together this long?  What strengths do you bring as a couple?

This ride may be bumpy at times and you may not always like your co-pilot. That is okay. Just as long as you and your co-pilot have the same destination in mind, you can reach your destination. You can arrive with tools that you may not have had before. You can arrive with restored hope, belief and self-confidence. You will have turned over many boulders, stones and pebbles on your journey; you will most likely know yourself and your spouse much better than when you started the journey.  Once you “arrive” at your destination, you may want to continue the journey, select a different destination and continue to explore and learn.

Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX.

Supervised by: Debra Larsen, MS, LPC-S

Warning! There is a Black Hole in Dr. Patrick Carnes’s Gentle Path- Planting the Seed for Recovery.

Yes, it is true. There is a black hole in the Gentle Path. You are supposed to fall into this hole before your journey down the gentle path.  Those of you that have been down “The Gentle Path” with Dr. Patrick Carnes know that at the start of your journey, there is the giant black hole that everyone forgot to tell you about.

You buy the book, fall into the hole and desperately try to figure out how to get out of the black hole, or maybe you have no strength at this time, and passively lay down at the bottom of the hole. That is okay. There is no code for behaviors or feelings down in the hole. The thing is: You are exactly where you need to be at this time. No matter what approach you take while you are down in the black hole, the black hole is frightening. It doesn’t feel good to be down there surrounded by the darkness. Feelings of despair, hopelessness and confusion may come seeping in. Maybe you are numb? Maybe you lie on the bottom and feel nothing?

You want out! You hate the black hole that is now robbing you of your decision making skills, your physical strength and your motivations.  You desperately flail around trying to climb out or maybe you are still just lying there numb and cold at the bottom, barely moving. This is the time where you muster up strength to reach out to your therapist and your support group. You will be guided and supported, but you will not get a lifeline to instantly repel you out of the hole. You will not get an instant rescue because you are actually exactly where you need to be. You are supposed to be in the hole. The hole has something to teach you- you just don’t know it yet. Stop flailing and breathe….if you are numb and just lying there…move your eyeballs and just look around for now. When the time is right, you will know that while you were down there, you were actually cultivating the soil around you, cultivating it to plant your seed. This is your seed to recovery; the seed will eventually grow into a beautiful flower.

So no one may have told you about the black hole in the path.  It is a necessary hole because you cannot have the beautiful flower without planting the seed and tenderly nurturing it over time. Take the stroll along the Gentle Path; know that you will fall into the hole and that you will come out of the black hole- when the time is right.

Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX.

Supervised by: Debra Larsen, MS, LPC-S

 Navigating the Rugged Iceberg -The Naked Truth about Sex Addiction

Imagine sex addiction (or many other behavioral addictions, for that matter) as a jagged, large iceberg. Only the tip of the iceberg is visible above the waterline. That tip is the addiction. It may have been hidden beneath the water line for many years, but eventually peeks up above and exposed for the world to see. It is first shocking and painful to  see the jagged, rough tip of the iceberg. You may have avoided, minimized and denied the tip of the iceberg for a long time. Maybe you had gotten a sneak peek of the tip periodically, as you were navigating the rough seas of life. Now the tip of the iceberg is blatantly visible.

As the shock and pain gradually subsides from seeing and realizing that the iceberg is real, you may wonder what is underneath the tip of iceberg. That part is still hidden beneath the rough and tumultuous seas. Underneath lies the pain of the deceits, relational trauma, unresolved issues- some stemming back to Family of origin, lack of intimacy, lack of trust,  and the scary unknown of “ How will we make it through this? How will I ever heal from this?” These are very normal questions for both addicts and partners of addicts.

For now, focus on one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel. Frightening emotions may come up that spreads through your body with pain and anxiety. Allow yourself to feel these emotions for 15 seconds. Sit with the feeling and release it.  With the help of a therapist trained in this area, and the help of a work group, you will be guided through the iceberg.

For partners, I recommend the book: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse- How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens, PhD and Marsha Means, MA. For Addicts, start with Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. Then, you join a group and work through the steps. Each step will guide you through the iceberg. Embrace yourself, be gentle with yourself, breathe and courageously, take the first step. Do not think of where each step will take you for now, you will see. There is hope and renewed joy once you complete your tour of the iceberg. Welcome to the tour of healing from sex addiction.

Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX
Supervised by: Debra Larsen, MS, LPC-S

Spanking Pavlov’s Dog - Retraining the Addicted Brain.

Many people are likely to have heard of Pavlov’s experiment with classical conditioning. You know, the dogs started salivating at the sound of the bell. Pavlov had these dogs trained to the effect of associating the sound of the bell with being fed, and the dogs eventually started salivating at the sound of the bell. The addict’s brain is already “salivating” when thinking ahead of the future visit to Boo-Boo Mama. (If you don’t know Boo-Boo Mama, then read my earlier post).  So how can Pavlov’s experiment be of assistance when the sex addict has reinforced the pleasure neuropath ways in the brain by the visits to Boo-Boo Mama?

We spank Pavlov’s dog! Meaning that once the addict’s hijacked brain is salivating at the instant thought of visiting Boo-Boo Mama, we spank!  Dr. Doug Weiss has provided an inexpensive, simple method for this negative reinforcement: The addict wears a rubber band and as soon as “salivation” starts, the addict snaps the rubber band. With time, the brain will begin associating the snap of the rubber band with visits to Boo-Boo Mama. Boo-Boo Mama visits are not just pleasurable any longer because there is also a sting associated with it. This method is not a babysitting method; the addict is responsible for this.  The addict chooses whether the spanking occurs. You see, recovery in is an inside job. No one can MAKE another person become sober of substances or addictive behaviors.

The rubber band method is effective with any kind of acting out method- whether it is scanning, objectifying, or fantasizing. As soon as it occurs, the rubber band is snapped. In time, the brain is “retrained” from the instant salvation, to “ouch!” It provides the addict with an opportunity to pause and rethink their choices. It gives the person who struggles with the addiction an opportunity to separate themselves from the addict who has been in control of actions and thought patterns in the past. The person with the sex addiction can be in control and “spank” the addict out of the decision process…one hour at a time, one day at a time. I am cheering for the person with the addiction, not the addict. It is up to you who you decide will take over in the end.  Buy a rubber band.

Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX.

Supervised by: Debra Larsen, MS, LPC-S

6 Types of Sex Addicts and Boo-Boo Mama

I recently attended a sex addiction workshop run by Dr. Doug Weiss from Heart to Heart Counseling in Colorado. I was there to learn about the six types of sex addicts in order to more effectively identify what was going on with clients, and to help them as quickly as possible. I never expected to hear about Boo-Boo Mama. First read on about the six different types of sex addicts as identified by Dr. Doug Weiss:

1.       Biological Sex addict- found pornography and masturbation as a way to feel good and escape into fantasy-trained brain to reinforce and crave porn.

2.       Psychological sex addict- has suffered abuse in the past, such as: sexual abuse, physical abuse or emotional abuse.

3.       Spiritual based sex addict- had no connection to spirituality, but stops acting out when a spiritual purpose was found.

4.       Mood/personality disorder sex addict- may medicate depression, bipolar disorder, NPD, or borderline personality disorder by acting out behaviors in order to stabilize mood.

5.       Trauma based Sex addict- has suffered trauma and trauma bonding may have been the basis for acting out behaviors.

6.       Intimacy Anorexic sex addict- purposely avoids intimacy with spouse and fills the void and emptiness with acting out behaviors.

This is only a short description about the types of sex addicts. Sex addiction has horrible and devastating effects on the addict and his/her family. So where does “Boo-Boo Mama” fit into sex addiction?

According to Dr. Weiss,” Boo-Boo Mama” belongs with the biological sex addict. I could not help but chuckle as Dr. Weiss attempted to explain the seriousness of the addicted brain, and the term “Boo-Boo Mama” came out. Dr. Weiss did this in attempt to explain the dynamics of the brain in a simple way, so those of us who are not neuroscientists could understand what was happening in the biological sex addict’s brain.

So who is Boo-Boo Mama? Boo-Boo Mama is the fantasy that the biological sex addict escapes to when entering the fantasy world. She is the most gorgeous woman with the absolute perfect figure, and she wants the sex addict at all times. She is always positive, validating and affirming to the sex addict. The addict can do anything he desires, and she is always loving and approving. She doesn’t speak- the sex addict fantasies about what she says and does. Boo-Boo Mama makes the addict feel wonderful, powerful and wanted. When anything in the real world is stressful or hurtful, the sex addict can escape to Boo-Boo Mama and get instant relief.  Boo-Boo Mama is easily accessible, because she resides on the internet. Boo-Boo Mama affects the brain of the addict. The addict constantly reinforces the pleasure neuropath ways of the brain by visiting Boo-Boo Mama.

The addict also pays dearly, because Boo-Boo Mama will eventually drag the addict down into a world of lies, secrets and deception. Boo-Boo mama is a black widow or a praying mantis that will eat her suitor. The addict loses the ability to be intimate with real people, social skills may stall at an age where Boo- Boo Mama made her entrance, and Boo-Boo Mama may replace normal daily life responsibilities, which eventually may lead the addict to losing a relationship or a job. Whether you choose to call it fantasy, compartmentalizing, disassociation or just Boo-Boo Mama, Boo-Boo Mama is no laughing matter. If you are a partner of a sex addict, do not try to compete with Boo-Boo Mama, you will lose. Boo-Boo Mama is not real, but she will eventually chip your self-esteem away and leave you in despair, as no human can meet the unrealistic expectations.   If you or someone you know is struggling with pornography addiction, on-going infidelity, or intimacy anorexia, call a therapist who has training in this area.

Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX

 Supervised by: Debra Larsen, MS, LPC-S.