 When a couple is facing relationship repair following the discovery of infidelity or sex addition betrayal, defensiveness and anger outbursts can be extremely damaging to the couple’s healing. The betrayed spouse will need to ask questions in order to try to understand what has been happening or what is currently happening in the relationship. It is normal to ask the same question several times over an extended period. The betrayed spouse is seeking emotional safety where he/she thought they were safe, but found out that they were not.
When a betrayed spouse approaches to ask questions, the worst thing that can happen is to be met with defensiveness, shouting or anger outbursts. This will shut down communication and halter the healing process. For the relationship survival, it is a good sign when the betrayed spouse wants to engage and discuss. It is not a good sign when they become numb, checked out or really does not care anymore. I often remind people of the saying, “Those who have nothing to defend, defend nothing.” Defensiveness only make people look like there is something hidden, that they are doing something wrong, and it creates further doubt. Couples who do the best in the recovery process are the couples who can talk, share their feelings, take accountability for their own wrong doings, continue to talk and continue to answer questions as they may arise. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  If you have discovered that your lover tell lies, you may want to fine tune your intuition, reflect on previous red flag behaviors, and try to come to terms with the fact that you may have to leave the relationship if you are dealing with an emotional manipulator.
I am not referring to white lies, such as stating that you like cheesecake, when you really don’t. I am referring to blatant lies. Someone telling you that they are not married and you later find out that they are indeed married, or your significant other tells you that they were getting an oil change when they were actually on a date with someone else. Those are big lies and could serve as huge red flags for where the relationship is headed. Often, people who can’t walk away when discovering these big lies are already emotionally invested and attached to the other person. When you are emotionally invested, you may not want to see reality. You may be so shocked and devastated that you turn a blind eye to the lie. You may start minimizing the lie and make up a story of why the lie was not so bad or hurtful. People who are good liars are typically really smooth talkers. They may keep on denying what you already know is the truth. They may tell you that you are overreacting. They may give you a made up explanation of why they didn’t tell you the truth to start, or they may tell you that that it was some else’s fault that they lied. Lies in adult relationships are not a good thing regardless of the “explanation”. Once a destructive lie is told and discovered, a path of mistrust is created. It is damaging to the relationship. It can be paralyzing to realize that you loved one is a liar. Give yourself some time to process your thoughts and feelings, get back in touch with your intuition, as it will help guide you. A relationship can survive if the lies end permanently and a lot of work is put into making the repair work to rebuild trust. In cases of pathological liars and sociopaths, you may want to start thinking of an exit plan for yourself and packing your bags. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  When assessing and discussing marriage, people talk about how compatible they are, but the question: “Is your spouse a good companion?” seldom arises. When it does, people often talk about their spouse being a good parent, good sports coach to their kid’s team or being a good cook etc. What is a good companion? It would probably be defined differently amongst people and the criteria would also differ. Some people say that a good companion listens, is willing to talk, shares interests with you, is honest, reliable, kind, thoughtful, and respectful, just to mention a few. As you think of this, what comes up for you? As you make your mental list of what makes a good companion, now take a look at your spouse and yourself. Are you a good companion? Do you take interest in what your spouse does or is interested in? Does your spouse do the same for you? In cases of addiction and intimacy anorexia, you are not going to be able to be a good companion at this time. Addictions and Intimacy Anorexia draws you away from people and robs you of the ability to create emotional intimacy. People stuck in an addiction focus mainly on themselves and how to feed their addiction. It’s only through the recovery process that the person with the addiction can learn to honest, open, empathetic and eventually become a good companion. Addiction recovery focuses not only on sobriety, but also on how to become a better companion by targeting empathy building and emotional bonding. Marriage is complex and many factors have to work well in order to maintain a connected, loving marriage- companionship is certainly one of them. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  Training, Certification, Research & Advocacy.March 2, 2016 Join us in Colorado Springs in April! APSATS will be participating in a conference in Colorado Springs, April 21-23 2016. APSATS will be providing a pre-conference on the 21st with workshops on the MPTM, Conducting Disclosures that are Partner Trauma informed, working with couples, etc. We join with IACSAS to provide a great networking and learning opportunity!! Learn More UPCOMING TRAININGS TOWARD CERTIFICATION APSATS 4 Day MPTM Live Training June 3/4 & June 10/11, 2016 Registration is now open Our next live web-based training is coming soon! Registration is open and we are filling fast. This 4 day training will take place over 2 weeks, meeting on the last two Fridays & Saturdays in January. These web-based trainings require you be at a computer with good internet access, microphone and webcam. The training will cover all of the material you'd receive in our face to face training, but from the comfort of your home or office and no travel! Register right away to make sure you don't miss this opportunity. Requirements to attend all trainings:
Introducing Michael Perry, Executive Director! We are very excited to announce that we have hired Michael Perry as our Executive Director to help lead APSATS into our next stages of growth. Michael comes to us with strong background in directing non-profit organizations and in fund-raising. He is also a trained clinician who is trauma-informed! Watch for more information as he settles into his role with us. What is APSATS? The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) is a non-profit organization dedicated to the professional training and certification, public education, research, and advocacy for treatment of sex addiction- induced trauma. APSATS is the only organization that specializes in the preparation and certification of Partner Specialists. We train and certify Certified Clinical Partner Specialists (CCPS) and Certified Partner Coaches (CPC) who subscribe to a developing treatment model that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress found in partners affected by sex addiction. |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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