 Some people are in emotionally abusive relationships and they do not realize it. The emotional abusiveness may be is so covert that you might not recognize that it is happening to you. These tactics may be strategically hidden away, yet utilized in order to put you on the crazy train. Others are so obvious, but you could be left feeling so baffled that you lose your ability to respond. How can you spot that you may be the target of these tactics? Here are some situations that you may want to watch for:
With a yelling partner, you may want to say something like: ”I can tell that you are angry right now. I do want to talk to you about this, so please come back later when we can both talk about this calmly.” Keep stating this until the conversation actually takes place without yelling. For blame shifting or bombarding you with more topics, it still comes down to staying on the topic by stating things like, ”we can talk about your suggested topic at a different time, right now we are discussing X.” Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and sex addiction related issues. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  Emotional intimacy is created over time between friends, lovers, spouses and family members. Emotional intimacy is building and creating a special, deep emotional bond with another. Sharing feelings, experiences and genuine care for the other creates it. You have arrived when you feel emotionally safe regardless of what obstacle you are facing. You do not withhold. You do not walk on eggshells, and you know the other speaks their truth.
Emotional intimacy develops over time when we chose to open ourselves up to truly sharing who we are and what we feel. It comes from talking and expressing deep topics, issues, concerns, hopes, wishes and dreams. It is built when we go beyond fantasy football, stock market and today’s weather report. It can be developed when sharing spiritual beliefs, expressing what love truly means, exploring our purpose on earth, and analyzing what the infinity of the universe actually means. I have nothing against fantasy football. I believe in freeing the mind at times and creating occasional escapes from the real world. I bring up fantasy football due to Hara Estroff Marano’s latest article in Psychology Today, (April 2016). The article is about gender balance in today’s society, but she points out how disengagement in relationships is increasing. She states, “ Many young men get caught in the compelling algorithms of gaming, pornography, and fantasy football.” There are so many people who feel alone in their relationships. Their spouse is physically there, but choose to instead engage in online activities that prevent emotional intimacy to grow. It is a blocker. Gaming, pornography, fantasy football amongst other activities stunts the growth and the potential of emotional intimacy in the relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  When a couple is facing relationship repair following the discovery of infidelity or sex addition betrayal, defensiveness and anger outbursts can be extremely damaging to the couple’s healing. The betrayed spouse will need to ask questions in order to try to understand what has been happening or what is currently happening in the relationship. It is normal to ask the same question several times over an extended period. The betrayed spouse is seeking emotional safety where he/she thought they were safe, but found out that they were not.
When a betrayed spouse approaches to ask questions, the worst thing that can happen is to be met with defensiveness, shouting or anger outbursts. This will shut down communication and halter the healing process. For the relationship survival, it is a good sign when the betrayed spouse wants to engage and discuss. It is not a good sign when they become numb, checked out or really does not care anymore. I often remind people of the saying, “Those who have nothing to defend, defend nothing.” Defensiveness only make people look like there is something hidden, that they are doing something wrong, and it creates further doubt. Couples who do the best in the recovery process are the couples who can talk, share their feelings, take accountability for their own wrong doings, continue to talk and continue to answer questions as they may arise. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  If you have discovered that your lover tell lies, you may want to fine tune your intuition, reflect on previous red flag behaviors, and try to come to terms with the fact that you may have to leave the relationship if you are dealing with an emotional manipulator.
I am not referring to white lies, such as stating that you like cheesecake, when you really don’t. I am referring to blatant lies. Someone telling you that they are not married and you later find out that they are indeed married, or your significant other tells you that they were getting an oil change when they were actually on a date with someone else. Those are big lies and could serve as huge red flags for where the relationship is headed. Often, people who can’t walk away when discovering these big lies are already emotionally invested and attached to the other person. When you are emotionally invested, you may not want to see reality. You may be so shocked and devastated that you turn a blind eye to the lie. You may start minimizing the lie and make up a story of why the lie was not so bad or hurtful. People who are good liars are typically really smooth talkers. They may keep on denying what you already know is the truth. They may tell you that you are overreacting. They may give you a made up explanation of why they didn’t tell you the truth to start, or they may tell you that that it was some else’s fault that they lied. Lies in adult relationships are not a good thing regardless of the “explanation”. Once a destructive lie is told and discovered, a path of mistrust is created. It is damaging to the relationship. It can be paralyzing to realize that you loved one is a liar. Give yourself some time to process your thoughts and feelings, get back in touch with your intuition, as it will help guide you. A relationship can survive if the lies end permanently and a lot of work is put into making the repair work to rebuild trust. In cases of pathological liars and sociopaths, you may want to start thinking of an exit plan for yourself and packing your bags. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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