Betrayal In Marriage: What to do When you are Wishing That Your Spouse Chokes on the Broccoli2/24/2012
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S
Are you feeling ashamed about your secret wish that your spouse chokes on the broccoli, or whatever “death wish” that you suddenly and briefly had running through your brain? You know that you do not actually want your spouse to croak due to the broccoli, but the fantasy helps you from choking on your own feelings of powerlessness. Actually, you are not alone in having these split second thoughts run through your mind. There are people who have stated that their lives would be easier if their spouse was not around any longer- the words burst out with urgency and full of emotions. After this outburst, most people immediately retract their words. Many people are horrified at what had just come out of their mouths-looking bewildered, embarrassed, apologetic, and immediately stating that obviously they don’t want their spouse dead. So is it abnormal? Does it make you a bad person for secretly having a split- second wish that your spouse chokes on the broccoli? No, it does not make you a bad person. It does not mean that you are homicidal or that you actually wish for these things to happen. What it may mean is that you are experiencing many uncomfortable, painful feelings and that there are possibly many unresolved problems that you need to address in the marriage. You are not happy. You are not getting your needs met and you are disappointed at the deterioration of the marriage. You may wonder where these passive aggressive thoughts are coming from. Ask yourself what is happening in the marriage, what are you avoiding and try to identify what the unmet needs are. Maybe you have already analyzed these areas and you are afraid, for various reasons, of talking to your spouse about what is happening. Maybe you have tried talking to your spouse countless times only to get the cold shoulder, minimizations or blame. Do you need to set healthier boundaries? Are there addictive behaviors that are destroying the marriage? Are you enabling the behaviors? A partner of a sex addict experiences shock, disbelief and often suffers from trauma symptoms after finding out that her spouse is a sex addict and has been acting out sexually behind her back. Betrayed spouses who have found out about an affair or affairs experience pain, fear and anger. Spouses who live in emotionally starved relationships experience rejection, withholding and criticism on a regular basis. If you can identify with any of these situations, you are most likely in a lot of pain. It is the kind of pain that cannot just be swept under the rug. Seek out community resources; educate yourself by reading self-help books. Consider seeking professional help in order to work through the painful emotions, and work yourself to a place of healing. Let go of the broccoli death wish, it may actually save a life- yours. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern is a contract therapist at McK Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX.
Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S Betrayal sends shock waves through the body. There is pain, disbelief and intense fear if you find out unexpectedly that your spouse has been involved in infidelity. You may have suspected that something was not quite right by the late arrivals at night, the smell of a different cologne or perfume, or by the way your spouse has been distant and withdrawn lately. Maybe your spouse hid the betrayal so well that there were no signs visible to you and the news of the affair hits you like a bombshell. Regardless of the history, you find yourself in a lot of pain, anger and fear. So what do you do once you find out that your marriage has been exposed to infidelity? You may need to give yourself some time to think and determine what it is that you would like to happen. Do you want to work on the marriage? Is infidelity a deal breaker for you? Does the straying spouse show remorse and want to work on the marriage? There are many aspects to factor in and it may be difficult to do when you find yourself on an emotional roller coaster. Give yourself the gift of time if you are unsure of what you need and want at this time. Healing from infidelity takes time. There is no miracle pill to quickly fix what has been broken. When both people want to heal and repair the marriage, there may be a “honeymoon” period. The honeymoon period is a time when all pain and anger is put on the back burner. There is intensity, passion and romance. There is joy from both sides that the marriage is still intact and the fear of abandonment has given way to relief and ecstasy. Just like any honeymoon, it will come to an end and the feelings of anger, pain and anxiety will seep through. These feelings that you are experiencing will need to be explored. You will need to work through them. You will need to allow yourself to be vulnerable with your spouse. You will need to learn to express your feelings of anger, disappointment and hurt. In order for trust to slowly rebuild, the straying partner will need to be completely open and honest. There may be a lot of questions that need to be answered. The betrayed partner will need to have answers and there may be a time where passwords to email accounts and phones need to be shared. This is not to encourage the betrayed partner to become a spy or detective, it is a way for the straying spouse to show complete transparency in all areas. This does not need to turn into a mission where there is no privacy and the betrayed partner becomes obsessive in checking on the spouse. When the time is right, you let go of checking and you choose to believe again. There is no quick fix to recover from infidelity and there is no secret way of escaping the pain. It is a grief process and things may be rocky for a while. The blog, Lost in the Aftermath of Infidelity? -A Roadmap to Healing and Restoring Broken Vows , provides some recommended areas that you may want to explore with your spouseas you begin your journey to restoring and rebuilding the marriage. Intimacy Anorexia: The Grinch Who Deprived You of Valentine’s Day
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S Are you frowning as you walk by all the heart shaped boxes of chocolate, red roses and loving cards? Maybe you are filled with sadness because you are fully aware that you will not be receiving any of these gifts or cards for Valentine’s Day. For some people, receiving gifts is their love language. Your spouse may be aware that you enjoy receiving gifts, yet she/he chooses not to get you anything. In the past, maybe you have tried preparing romantic dinners to celebrate Valentine’s Day only to get the cold shoulder and excuses of being busy, too tired, or your Valentine leaves to spend time with a friend instead. Maybe your Valentine starts a fight out of the blue which leaves you completely confused as to what is going on? Intimacy anorexics choose to wall off from their spouses. It is too scary for them to allow anybody in. The intimacy anorexic desires to be looked on as being the “good” one at all times. They cannot tolerate being vulnerable because you may see then that they are not always in the” good box”. You may recall from my earlier post that intimacy anorexia refers to people who deprive their partner/spouse of emotional closeness. They normally blame, shame, have angry outbursts, control money, and withhold love/sex/appreciations and praise from their spouse. Spouses of intimacy anorexics report that they feel more like an employee, nanny or roommate in the relationship than a spouse who is valued, respected, loved and cherished. This leaves the spouse feeling crazy and emotionally starved. If you suspect that you are in an intimacy anorexic relationship, you will need to nurture yourself on this Valentine’s Day. What brings you joy? How will you nurture yourself? If you feel like Valentine’s Day is depressing and a reminder of how empty your marriage has become, seek out something that will nurture you. Maybe you try a new activity, sign up for a class, or take a walk at sunset? It may take some time for you to figure out what it is that you do enjoy or what brings joy in your life. Take your time and do something nice for yourself on Valentine’s Day. If you are in an intimacy anorexic relationship, you probably feel alone. McKinney Counseling and Recovery offers group therapy for spouses of intimacy anorexics. This group utilizes a trauma based model and provides tools for coping and growing. Please see the” Group Therapy” tab on my website: www.ingelaedwardscounseling.com for more information, or visit the McKinney Counseling and Recovery at www.mckinneycounselingandrecovery.com |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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