When trust has been broken in a relationship, it is a long, hard road to travel in order for trust to be fully restored. In the meantime, it may be tempting to check up on the person who has not been truthful to you. Maybe you need the validation that they are actually being honest; therefore, you check up on them to ease your fears of further betrayal. Worst-case scenario, you check up on the person who has broken your trust, find something that contradicts what you have been told to be the truth, and now you are also stuck with keeping secrets, unless you have a plan set in place that will kept you accountable for what you were going to do with that information. If you snoop around, and find something, are you leaving? Are you staying? Or does looking only set you up for further hurt, unless you are ready to do something with the information that you now have? It is a traumatizing event to discover that your loved one is not who you thought they were. You may experience intrusive thoughts, staying hyper alert to additional signs of betrayal and your anxiety may be through the roof. Complete transparency from the addicts is a requirement following disclosure. There needs to be access to all bank accounts, email accounts, social media etc. until trust is rebuilt. What if you find your spouse’s recovery workbook lying around? You may be tempted to take a peek at what is inside, as you seek to know the truth. Here is where you need to ask yourself: “What am I going to do with that information?” What if you find information that is disturbing or troubling, or quite not what you had heard “the truth” to be? Now, you are the keeper of secrets unless you are planning to admit to looking. You may start setting truth traps and asking questions to see if he/she will answer them truthfully. Maybe you re-traumatize yourself and feel additional panic attacks brewing, and for what? You only hurt yourself further. A formal disclosure session should be scheduled with your therapist and the addict’s therapist where the truth, facts and details can come out. This way, you will be prepared in advance, you get to ask for what you want to know and you have support through out the process. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. Some people are in emotionally abusive relationships and they do not realize it. The emotional abusiveness may be is so covert that you might not recognize that it is happening to you. These tactics may be strategically hidden away, yet utilized in order to put you on the crazy train. Others are so obvious, but you could be left feeling so baffled that you lose your ability to respond. How can you spot that you may be the target of these tactics? Here are some situations that you may want to watch for:
With a yelling partner, you may want to say something like: ”I can tell that you are angry right now. I do want to talk to you about this, so please come back later when we can both talk about this calmly.” Keep stating this until the conversation actually takes place without yelling. For blame shifting or bombarding you with more topics, it still comes down to staying on the topic by stating things like, ”we can talk about your suggested topic at a different time, right now we are discussing X.” Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and sex addiction related issues. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. Emotional intimacy is created over time between friends, lovers, spouses and family members. Emotional intimacy is building and creating a special, deep emotional bond with another. Sharing feelings, experiences and genuine care for the other creates it. You have arrived when you feel emotionally safe regardless of what obstacle you are facing. You do not withhold. You do not walk on eggshells, and you know the other speaks their truth. Emotional intimacy develops over time when we chose to open ourselves up to truly sharing who we are and what we feel. It comes from talking and expressing deep topics, issues, concerns, hopes, wishes and dreams. It is built when we go beyond fantasy football, stock market and today’s weather report. It can be developed when sharing spiritual beliefs, expressing what love truly means, exploring our purpose on earth, and analyzing what the infinity of the universe actually means. I have nothing against fantasy football. I believe in freeing the mind at times and creating occasional escapes from the real world. I bring up fantasy football due to Hara Estroff Marano’s latest article in Psychology Today, (April 2016). The article is about gender balance in today’s society, but she points out how disengagement in relationships is increasing. She states, “ Many young men get caught in the compelling algorithms of gaming, pornography, and fantasy football.” There are so many people who feel alone in their relationships. Their spouse is physically there, but choose to instead engage in online activities that prevent emotional intimacy to grow. It is a blocker. Gaming, pornography, fantasy football amongst other activities stunts the growth and the potential of emotional intimacy in the relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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July 2016
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ServicesIndividual therapy
Marriage counseling EMDR ART- Accelerated Resolution Therapy |
Contact IngelaPhone: 214-551-0422
E-mail: [email protected] |