 Emotional intimacy is created over time between friends, lovers, spouses and family members. Emotional intimacy is building and creating a special, deep emotional bond with another. Sharing feelings, experiences and genuine care for the other creates it. You have arrived when you feel emotionally safe regardless of what obstacle you are facing. You do not withhold. You do not walk on eggshells, and you know the other speaks their truth.
Emotional intimacy develops over time when we chose to open ourselves up to truly sharing who we are and what we feel. It comes from talking and expressing deep topics, issues, concerns, hopes, wishes and dreams. It is built when we go beyond fantasy football, stock market and today’s weather report. It can be developed when sharing spiritual beliefs, expressing what love truly means, exploring our purpose on earth, and analyzing what the infinity of the universe actually means. I have nothing against fantasy football. I believe in freeing the mind at times and creating occasional escapes from the real world. I bring up fantasy football due to Hara Estroff Marano’s latest article in Psychology Today, (April 2016). The article is about gender balance in today’s society, but she points out how disengagement in relationships is increasing. She states, “ Many young men get caught in the compelling algorithms of gaming, pornography, and fantasy football.” There are so many people who feel alone in their relationships. Their spouse is physically there, but choose to instead engage in online activities that prevent emotional intimacy to grow. It is a blocker. Gaming, pornography, fantasy football amongst other activities stunts the growth and the potential of emotional intimacy in the relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  Many relationships are affected by emotional deprivation, disconnection, resentments or addictions. The question that you can ask your spouse in order to start rebuilding the connection is simple. The question is: “How was your day?” This question is important in building the foundation of your relationship. You are building an emotional connection when you take a genuine interest in your spouse. People who experience emotional deprivation in their relationships often report feeling unloved and unimportant because their spouse fails to ask the simple, yet essential question:” How was your day?” In cases of intimacy anorexia, it can be painful to realize that it may not be of interest to the anorexic spouse to know how your day was and that is why they do not ask you. They may purposefully choose not to ask. They are busy keeping the distance from you and they do not necessarily want to hear about you day, your feelings or experiences. In these cases, this may also work as a great tool to keep you disconnected. In cases of addiction, the addicted spouse has a tendency of being self-centered, focused on their addiction and it may not occur to them to ask you about your day. The addiction is in the driver’s seat and finding out about your day or feelings is not on the radar at this time. It is probably not until they have sobered up from their addiction that empathy comes in and they are able to take a genuine interest in how you are doing. Obviously there are variations of issues that can result and pop up in relationships; however, asking your spouse how their day was is an ongoing important question in building or maintaining emotional intimacy. The question is asked out of genuine love, interest and connection. It is not a one-time thing and then you “forget.” Does your spouse ask you how your day was? Do they listen and ask questions? Is your spouse interested in hearing what you are saying? If you believe that your relationship is thwarted by addictions, emotional deprivation or intimacy anorexia, seek the guidance of a certified therapist in your area. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  Feeling unheard and misunderstood in a relationship leads to resentment, anger and emotional disconnection. Who is doing this in your relationship? Is it you, is it your spouse or are you both stuck in a destructive cycle of shutting each other out?
Are you easy to talk to or do you become angry, defensive or stonewall when your spouse approaches you? Are you able to listen and consider messages from your spouse that you may not agree with or do you immediately turn to defending your own position? Do you always have to be “right”? People who have to defend, convince, yell and argue are often times exhausting to talk to. If you are recognizing yourself in these patterns, you may want to rethink your tactics as you are creating great harm in the relationship. When spouses are unable to communicate freely with one another, it creates distance and emotional blocks. Resentment starts building and you will find yourself stuck with the same unresolved issues that you did not want to discuss or hear. The specific issue or relational problem does not disappear because you choose to shut down the communication. It still lingers there festering and building. First off, ask yourself why you feel like you always have to be “right”. People have different perspective on things, so why is it that you have to try to prove that your perspective is right? When faced with a negative comment from your spouse, why is it so threatening to at least evaluate if the comment may be something for you to work on? It is not about proving who is right or wrong, it is about hearing each other and working together to find amicable solutions that nourishes the relationship. Manipulation tactics do not only include using anger outbursts and defensiveness. Other detrimental tactics are avoidance, finger pointing and patronizing. Excuses I hear are: “I didn’t like the choice of words that my spouse was using; I didn’t like the tone of voice my spouse was using; I didn’t like the timing of the conversation”. These are all manipulation tactics to turn the tables and avoid the topic that was presented. Instead the tables were turned and the "problem” is now HOW the conversation was started, not the real issue of WHAT the problem is. If you are automatically turning to anger outbursts, turning the tables or defensiveness you miss many opportunities to hear your spouse. There are times when a spouse will tell the other that they have attempted for years to improve the marriage, only to be shut down. At times this goes on until one person has had enough, feels empty and is ready to pack their bags. At this time, it may be too late to try to salvage the relationship. You have the opportunity to listen to your spouse today. If you continue to feel stuck, contact a licensed therapist to help you improve communication and rebuild the emotional intimacy your relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from infidelity, intimacy anorexia, intimacy deprivation and sexual addiction. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  You may think that, for the most part, your spouse is cranky,
defective, and irrational. Your spouse does not see or understand what is important in life. Your spouse has no clue as to how their selfish ways affect you on a daily basis. At times, you may not really feel like going home because you know that you will be met by the defective spouse of yours. Could it possibly be that you have created this defective spouse in your mind by the use of a constant, negative light that has contributed to viewing your spouse in a negative way? I am not referring to spouses who are emotionally, physically or sexually abusive. I am referring to the spouses who may have things to work on, yet, you constantly view her or him through a critical, negative lens. It could be that there are areas of past conflict that is still shining its negative light on current issues, or it could be that you are stuck with old unresolved issues that you are currently unable to discuss with your spouse. The unresolved issue becomes a constant irritant that leads to an increase in negative attitudes about the spouse. In these situations, it may be that you automatically view your spouse through a critical and negative lens. Your spouse can never be “okay”; they will always fall short and appear “less than” to you. When you get stuck in this negative viewing of your spouse, you fail to recognize your partner’s positive gestures. If they offer to cook dinner, you are not willing to accept it as kindness; instead you assume there is an ulterior motive. If it is ongoing criticism, sarcasm or shutdowns that is fueling this negative viewing, find a way to talk about what is currently not being addressed. Are there lingering effects of addictions that are not being addressed, are you feeling ignored, unimportant or disrespected in the relationship? Are there past breeches of trust that have not been addressed? There are many areas of a relationship that can contribute to the negative, critical viewing of one’s spouse. However, if it is left unresolved, it will continue to create pain, anger and distance. If there is willingness to work through what has created the ongoing negative, critical viewing, there is an opportunity to rebuild, heal and increase intimacy in the relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.  The TV stories about the celebrity relationships ending due to
betrayal are quite frequent these days. Many people also have family members or friends who share their devastation and pain relating to infidelity or deceit in their relationships. Other than the obvious: infidelity, sex addiction, physical and emotional abuse, there are many other betrayal areas that may also play out in a marriage. According to Dr. John Gottman, there are some main areas of betrayal that may play out in relationships that can be devastating to the marriage. 1. Conditional Commitment- This is the kind of relationship where everything is “well” until the next best thing comes around. It is a shallow relationship where either one, or both, people are not truly invested in deepening the commitment. Deep issues are not discussed. This may be the couple who married because they felt pressured or felt like they “should” instead of wanting to. 2. A Nonsexual Affair/ Emotional Affair- The marriage may be in trouble when there is a “work wife” or “work husband” involved. This work confidant is someone outside of the marriage who has been told a lot of private information about the marriage and is described as “just a friend” from work. Having close friends is fine, but if intimate information is shared that may make the other spouse uncomfortable should they know, the line may be crossed from a friendship onto the side of a nonsexual/emotional affair. 3. Lying-Some couples may lie to each other as an attempt to avoid tension and conflict in the relationship. As a result, there is a breach of trust. Secrets keeping is harmful to the relationship, but it can be worked through, unless one person is a chronic liar. Chronic lying is a pattern established in childhood and that pattern may have additional challenges to be worked through. Regardless, lies and secret keeping in marriage is destructive. 4. Forming a Coalition Against the Partner- This is the “ganging up” tactic used against one spouse. Maybe it is the husband who gangs up on this wife by having his mother as his ally, or it is the wife who colludes with her mother to gang up on the husband. Either way, it is destructive to the marriage. Boundaries need to be established around how much is shared with others who may interfere in the relationship. Dr. John Gottman also identifies several other betrayal areas in marriage, such as: coldness, withdrawal of sexual interest, and disrespect. This list is not all inclusive and there are many other areas to explore. If you identify with an area, it does not mean that your marriage is doomed. It simply means that there are areas of concern that you need to work on in order to make the marriage stronger. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. “Your actions speak so loudly, I cannot hear what you say”- Source Unknown
Once trust has been broken in a relationship, it is very difficult to restore. It takes time and a consistent show of certain behaviors to rebuild trust. It is a process that has no quick fix. Trust can be broken in relationships due to infidelity, addictions or due to other lies and deception. Whatever the reason, once trust has been broken, the relationship is in a state of crisis. One aspect of rebuilding trust is to stop listening to the words spoken and watch for consistent behaviors over time. Listening and believing words spoken by a person who has been proven to be an unreliable source only creates additional anxiety and can be crazy making in itself. An addict often lies to protect the addiction, an unfaithful spouse lies to protect the secret relationship, and some people lie to avoid true intimacy in a relationship. Sometimes, there are so many lies told that it is impossible to sort out what is true and what is not. Do not spend time engaged in head games. Attention should be paid to observable behaviors. If the unreliable person is actually in recovery, then the behaviors that back that up would be seeing them reading recovery materials, attending groups, participating in therapy and utilizing new coping skills. If the not so truthful person has engaged in infidelity, then the behaviors that may support an end to the illicit relationship could be complete transparency with phone and email accounts, the end to unexplained absences, and show of empathy and regret for the pain they have caused. Broken trust produces pain, fear and anxiety. There is no quick fix to this issue. Often people will report that their intuition had been telling them all along what the truth is; however, often this was ignored in place of believing the words spoken by the deceiver. If finding out that a person has broken trust, believe behaviors, focus on your own well-being and allow time to provide all the answers that you need. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Emotional Starvation: When it is Exhausting to be Married to Your
Spouse Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX.Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS,LPC-S Marriage is“supposed” to be this wonderful union of two people who support, cherish and love each other. Well, you may not have received the fairy tale marriage that you once had hoped and dreamed about. Maybe it is quite contrary and you often find yourself feeling drained by your spouse? Do you sometimes feel like it is exhausting to be married to your spouse? If you are in a marriage where you constantly have to defend your feelings, then you are probably exhausted. Maybe you have the spouse who tells you how you should feel, or how you should NOT be feeling. This is the spouse who has little regard for your boundaries and does not accept that you can have feelings that may be different from theirs. This type of spouse will demand an explanation of why you are feeling sad, glad, mad or whatever feeling you are experiencing. When you have attempted to explain why you are having these feelings, then you are probably told that you are wrong for having these feelings or that you have overreacted. Feelings are feelings. There is no right or wrong feeling at a certain time. You feel what you feel. The exhausting spouse not only demands that you feel what they feel, and tells you are wrong for feeling the way you do; they will even turn up the intensity by their crafty tools of denial and rationalization. These tools are used on you when you may be addressing something that you are unhappy about in your marriage, behaviors that are harmful or the lack of intimacy. You may be feeling that the new gaming system has taken priority in your marriage or your spouse now has a closer relationship with their iPhone than with you. You go to your spouse and tell them that you are feeling sad and hurt because you feel like you are not important to your spouse. Your spouse then tells you that your feelings are wrong and then they rationalize their own behavior by fabulous denial strategies. Your intent was to create emotional closeness in the marriage by trying to communicate what you are experiencing and feeling. Your intent was then met by ramblings of how you are wrong to feel and experience things in thatmanner. Eventually you become completely exhausted, shut down or move out. What could be happening here is Intimacy Anorexia or the protection of an addiction. Addicts will protect their addiction until the bottom falls out, and they decide to do something different. Intimacy anorexics want to appear “good” at all times, therefore; they will spend much energy and effort at being “right” at all cost. Whatever may be happening in your marriage, you may want to take a look and think about what you are willing to accept. Most likely, things will not change until you turn up the heat and decide to change the pattern. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. i Pad, i Pod, i Home, i Phone and I disconnect- How the Apple of Your Eye May Use Electronics as a Way to Sabotage Intimacy.
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S Are you feeling disconnected from your spouse? Maybe it is full blown Intimacy Anorexia that is causing havoc in your marriage, or maybe it is “the little things” that add up over time that has created the distance. Today’s most popular intimacy busters are all the electronics that are available. This can be TV, computers, and gaming devices. Maybe it is that electronic device that your spouse carries with him/her at all times that is creating the distance. Look around in restaurants where couples go out for date nights. What comes along and often intrudes? -The iPhone. You see couples sitting at the same table, but completely walled off from one another. Between them is that smart phone, or maybe it is his and hers smart phones that have joined the date and intrudes with Angry Birds, News and Facebook. Both parties have now managed to create a huge wall or bubble around themselves -blocking out their spouse, appearing busy and not wanting to get interrupted. Maybe you are sitting there without your iPhone. You feel lonely because there is no one to talk to- your spouse is sitting there across the table engulfed in the interactions with the iPhone. You may have heard all the terms for gauging how loved you feel in your relationship- therapists sometimes refer to this as: love bucket, love tank and love banks. In essence, all these terms refer to the same concept- people need and want to feel loved by their spouse. You need your thoughts, feelings and ideas to be heard. You need to feel cherished, nurtured and be seen by our spouse. These are all aspects that add up to fill love tanks - or whatever you choose to call it. When you feel valued, appreciated, respected and can communicate freely with your spouse, you have a well provided love tank. If you are criticized, shut out, ignored, and taken for granted, your love tank quickly drains. When the love “bucket/ tank/ bank” is low, you are at risk for creating further damage to the marriage. You may become resentful, angry and hurt. Your self-esteem may suffer when you feel unloved. So what is the connection between love tanks, smart phones and intimacy busters? If you are ignoring your spouse in favor of your smart phone, you are withdrawing from his/her love tank. With time, the withdrawals add up. It is not a onetime thing; it is prolonged exposure to love withdrawals that can put your marriage in danger. Other intimacy busters that create damage are: dishonesty, disrespect, angry out bursts, self-fish demands and lack of empathy. If your spouse chooses not to listen and ignores you, you may want to learn more about the Married and Alone Group offered at McKinney Counseling and Recovery on Saturday afternoons. For more information, click the Group Therapy tab on my website: www.ingelaedwardscounseling.com or visit www.mckinneycounselingandrecovery.com |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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