And You Let Them Go…
One of the hardest things to do is leaving a loved one and ending a relationship that you so desperately want to work. You realize that no matter how hard you try, you can’t make a one-sided relationship work. You now see that you are not as important to them as they are to you. There is no trust left and you see how you lost yourself in the attempts to keep the relationship. You know that it simply will not work. You have tried to forgive past hurts, yet it makes it impossible to move ahead as the hurts still continue.
Letting a loved one go involves a grieving process. It takes enormous courage, strength and ability to face your fears. Maybe the loved one you need to leave behind is a spouse. A spouse whom you love, but you realize that their actions are not changing and it creates repeat feelings of insanity, betrayal and hurt. Maybe your loved one is struggling with an addiction that they have sworn they would seek help for. They swear that this is the last time that your heart is broken by the lies. Yet, you have heard that many times in the past. Maybe you feel so emotionally deprived, yet your spouse keeps walls up, remains cold and distant. Whatever the reasons may be, you know that you are crumbling on the inside and it is necessary for you to let them go.
You reach a breaking point. A point of no return- the point at which you know there is no more going back, no more trying harder, no more trying to fix things again. The point is when you realize that for your own sanity, serenity and peace, you need to save yourself. And you decide to let them go…. Your heart breaks because despite all the emotional havoc created by your loved one, you love them, you want to believe them, you want to stay but at the point of no return, you grieve as you know it is time to let them go.
Make a plan for yourself. Do not act on spur of the moment thoughts. Do not act when you are emotionally distraught. Allow yourself time to think and plan. Where will you go? If you share living space, who stays, who leaves? Who are the safe people in your life who will not judge you but will support you? Are you financially ready to leave? Will you need time to get a job/training? If you are married, have you consulted with a lawyer to see what the laws are in your state regarding child support and alimony? What are your own emotional resources that you can utilize? What are your strengths?
How do you know that your time has come? How can you determine that there is no going back? You will know because you can feel it. There are no uncertainties and confusion any longer. You know that there is no going back. It won’t work. Many people can relate to the following: The Pain Stops Author Unknown
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lie in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.
Ingela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist