Asking the Right Question to Start Building Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship

Many relationships are affected by emotional deprivation, disconnection, resentments or addictions. The question that you can ask your spouse in order to start rebuilding the connection is simple. The question is: “How was your day?” This question is important in building the foundation of your relationship. You are building an emotional connection when you take a genuine interest in your spouse. People who experience emotional deprivation in their relationships often report feeling unloved and unimportant because their spouse fails to ask the simple, yet essential question:” How was your day?”

In cases of intimacy anorexia, it can be painful to realize that it may not be of interest to the anorexic spouse to know how your day was and that is why they do not ask you. They may purposefully choose not to ask. They are busy keeping the distance from you and they do not necessarily want to hear about you day, your feelings or experiences. In these cases, this may also work as a great tool to keep you disconnected. In cases of addiction, the addicted spouse has a tendency of being self-centered, focused on their addiction and it may not occur to them to ask you about your day. The addiction is in the driver’s seat and finding out about your day or feelings is not on the radar at this time. It is probably not until they have sobered up from their addiction that empathy comes in and they are able to take a genuine interest in how you are doing.

Obviously there are variations of issues that can result and pop up in relationships; however, asking your spouse how their day was is an ongoing important question in building or maintaining emotional intimacy. The question is asked out of genuine love, interest and connection.  It is not a one-time thing and then you “forget.”  Does your spouse ask you how your day was? Do they listen and ask questions? Is your spouse interested in hearing what you are saying? If you believe that your relationship is thwarted by addictions, emotional deprivation or intimacy anorexia, seek the guidance of a certified therapist in your area.

Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.

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