When infidelity spreads its toxins upon a marriage, the betrayed partner wants to know WHY. Often, the betrayed spouse reports that there were no obvious disconnections in the marriage and the disclosure of infidelity came as a shock. The most common question asked is: “Why did this happen?” The reason why someone chooses to be unfaithful differs and sometimes it is difficult to identify why the infidelity happened in the first place. Sometimes infidelity occurs because there are people who are opportunists. They cheat simply because they had the opportunity to do so. Sometimes infidelity occurs because there are friendships that cross the line into sexual and emotional affairs. Sometimes the reason may be that the cheating person is sexually addicted. There are times when infidelity occurs because of unaddressed unhappiness in the marriage. Sometimes infidelity occurs because the betrayer thought that they would never get caught and that there would be no consequences. Whatever the reasons are, infidelity causes extreme pain, anxiety and disrupts all trust in the relationship. The “why” needs to be identified and explored. Infidelity recovery requires a lot of healing time and work. The involved partner needs to figure out why it happened. Finding out why it happened provides an aspect of insight, and an avenue to work on, in order to prevent it from happening again. The betrayed spouse will be experiencing a lot of anxiety and doubt. The betrayed spouse will wonder if this will happen again. The “why’s” are important to identify for the healing of the relationship , emotional safety of the betrayed spouse and can serve as an identifier to build up more “infidelity proofing” in the marriage. The betrayed spouse will need clarity, accountability, honesty and a plan to work on the marriage. It will take at least a solid year to heal from the damages of infidelity. It may take longer. In order to restore the damages created, measurable steps may be needed, such as willingness to participate in couples counseling, taking a therapeutic polygraph test, investing in practicing emotional intimacy exercises at home and a large dose of empathy for the betrayed spouse. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling and Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. If you are in recovery for sexual addiction and you are in a relationship, you have learned that not only do you need to keep your own recovery in check; you will also need to consider your partner’s recovery. The same goes for relationships healing from infidelity. There are certain things that you want to avoid, so that your spouse is not triggered again. Following disclosure, a triggering moment would be if you become defensive when asked about your progress in recovery/therapy. When you become defensive, it may signal that you have something to hide. If you allow defensiveness and irritation to seep through because you have repeatedly been asked about the same thing and you feel like that topic has been covered, you need to put yourself in her shoes. Your spouse will ask about your recovery or progress as many times as she needs to. Your spouse may be asking you these questions for the purpose of seeking some kind of emotional safety in a relationship where she may not have had any for some time. When your partner asks you about your progress, she is not attempting to be controlling or nosy. Her world has been turned upside down and she is still trying to seek safety in the relationship. She still wants to stand by you. When asking about your recovery, she needs to know that you are also taking the relationship repair seriously. She feels like you are holding her heart in your hands. You have hurt her and she knows that the chance of getting hurt again is a possibility. She is afraid and she asks for confirmation of safety. When you become defensive, irritable and angry in response, you have threatened her security of safety in the relationship. She has now become triggered and doesn’t know if she is emotionally safe with you. She may think that you have something to hide and that you are still lying and manipulating. Rebuilding trust and healing the relationship will take complete openness,honesty and a belief in the behaviors that you are displaying. Instead of her having to ask you about your recovery, willingly share it. You are not asked to share all your personal notes about recovery, but share how many meetings you have attended, share what step you are on or what general exercise you are currently working on. This allows more stability and relieves anxiety and irritation. When you have seen your therapist, share in general terms about what you discovered or learned. You do not have to share details. This allows for your spouse to see that the recoveryof the relationship is also important to you and that she is not alone in working towards rebuilding the relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. Many partners of sex addicts express frustration for not picking up on the lies, deception and broken promises in the relationship. Due to the constant exposure to the sex addicts’ stream of lies, you may have lost your intuition. Early on in the relationship, your intuition may have signaled that something was not quite right, but after several attempts to uncover the truth and being met by the addicts’ denial, you may have concluded that your intuition must be wrong. Like any spouse in a marriage, you desperately want to believe and trust the man you love, so you chose to ignore your intuition. Over time, many partners of sex addicts lose all trust in their intuition. The internal alarm simply stops going off. Thinking back on your relationship, you may now identify with feeling hoodwinked. When you met, your sex addicted spouse probably told you that you were smart, funny, beautiful, and that you were his best friend. Over time, the sex addict starts to deliberately chip away at your self-esteem by making a shift. At this time, the sex addict starts to attempt to groom and decrease your self-esteem. He may start by criticizing you- maybe it is your looks, your personality, your sexuality or your intelligence. It is done gradually over time- so smoothly; you don’t even realize what is happening. You become the collateral damage of the addiction. You realize that you were hoodwinked, and most likely have been for a time span of many years. An important factor in your recovery will be to learn to listen to and reclaim your intuition. There is nothing in life that could have possibly prepared you for learning that your spouse has a sexual addiction. You will most likely have an emotional roller coaster ahead of yourself. Spend some time reclaiming yourself. Reach out to a therapist who has training in this area, reach out to community resources and read books that relates to partner healing and trauma response. Learning of a loved one’s addiction does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship. It means the end to secrecy, lies and a start to reclaiming parts that may have been lost due to the addiction. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. If you have recently found out that your spouse has been unfaithful, you may be tempted to find out every single, gritty detail about the affair. You are in a state of shock and disbelief that you spouse would betray you in this most intimate way. In an attempt to find safety in the midst of the turmoil, you may be tempted to ask about everything regarding the affair and the affair partner. Open communication is crucial in repairing a relationship, but be careful of what you ask. Relationships are more likely to make it through and heal following infidelity when communication is transparent and all questions are honestly answered. You have the right to know the truth and the nature of your spouse’s betrayal, yet you may be tempted to ask questions that will only hurt you more in the long run. Each couple will need to determine how much is shared about the affair. Communication and the need to know is healing when the information is provided, yet obsessiveness can be retraumatizing. The balance can be tricky because the need to know every detail is very strong especially early on when emotions are raw. You may be tempted to ask questions about sexual acts or wanting to read love letters, but these types of graphic information may only add to your own trauma and may become intrusive thoughts that keep reoccurring in your mind. Sometimes people retraumatize themselves by pushing for more and more details that become additional triggers and sources of pain. The key is finding the balance between what too much information is and what you need to know in order to heal. If you are unsure of what is too much information, write down the questions on a piece of paper and check back in a week, a couple of weeks or a month. Once the time has passed, evaluate what unanswered questions are still important for you to have answered. Be gentle with yourself. There is no time table to be followed in healing from infidelity. You cannot rush the healing process. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. Anyone who has ever worked on addiction recovery will know how difficult it can be. Once you think you have your addiction under some control, it shows up with super strength powers that can leave you in turmoil and fear. The addict side will start having dialogues with you. The addict in you may send messages that states that you are a loser, shameful,” less than” and tells you that you will never make it in recovery. The addict bait may drag you into victim mode. The addict bait is the nonstop negative messages that you send yourself. Addict bait is the very powerful negative thoughts that you allow to linger in your mind. These thoughts are designed to get you off your recovery plan and back into the addiction. The addict part of you will start churning the addictive cravings. If you take the addict bait, you have left yourself very vulnerable. Most likely, you will be so focused on all the negatives that you will no longer be able to see the great changes that you have made in your recovery. You will be unable to see that you have many accomplishments and made strides in your recovery. The addict bait is so powerful that it constantly repeats the messages of unworthiness and shame. It becomes like a broken record in your brain. The first step in combating the addict bait is to start doing affirmations, identifying the negative cognitions that you utilize and not to succumb to the repeating messages that your addict is telling you. This is a choice. You can allow the addict bait and stay with the thoughts of how horrible things are and keep playing that message, or you can choose to change the thought patterns by switching the message the addict is sending you and contradicting that by the use of a positive cognition. Instead of feeding into the message of “I am a loser and good things will never happen to me,” you may contradict that by saying: “I have made mistakes and am choosing to take steps to improve my life.” These tips may sound elementary, but they work. They work when you work it- working it daily, sometimes hourly if need to be. There is no “magic wand quick fix”, but not taking the addict bait, is an important hurdle to overcome. It starts with you. It starts with your thoughts and learning not to accept the bait as an invitation to roll straight back into behaviors that brought you to despair in the first place. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. You may think that, for the most part, your spouse is cranky, defective, and irrational. Your spouse does not see or understand what is important in life. Your spouse has no clue as to how their selfish ways affect you on a daily basis. At times, you may not really feel like going home because you know that you will be met by the defective spouse of yours. Could it possibly be that you have created this defective spouse in your mind by the use of a constant, negative light that has contributed to viewing your spouse in a negative way? I am not referring to spouses who are emotionally, physically or sexually abusive. I am referring to the spouses who may have things to work on, yet, you constantly view her or him through a critical, negative lens. It could be that there are areas of past conflict that is still shining its negative light on current issues, or it could be that you are stuck with old unresolved issues that you are currently unable to discuss with your spouse. The unresolved issue becomes a constant irritant that leads to an increase in negative attitudes about the spouse. In these situations, it may be that you automatically view your spouse through a critical and negative lens. Your spouse can never be “okay”; they will always fall short and appear “less than” to you. When you get stuck in this negative viewing of your spouse, you fail to recognize your partner’s positive gestures. If they offer to cook dinner, you are not willing to accept it as kindness; instead you assume there is an ulterior motive. If it is ongoing criticism, sarcasm or shutdowns that is fueling this negative viewing, find a way to talk about what is currently not being addressed. Are there lingering effects of addictions that are not being addressed, are you feeling ignored, unimportant or disrespected in the relationship? Are there past breeches of trust that have not been addressed? There are many areas of a relationship that can contribute to the negative, critical viewing of one’s spouse. However, if it is left unresolved, it will continue to create pain, anger and distance. If there is willingness to work through what has created the ongoing negative, critical viewing, there is an opportunity to rebuild, heal and increase intimacy in the relationship. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. Couples are sometimes uncertain of where to draw the line between appropriate behavior and behaviors that may be considered cheating. Some define cheating as having sexual contact outside the marriage. Some people define cheating as anything that is done in secret that would not be approved upon if the other spouse had knowledge of the behavior. So where should the line be drawn? Would an emotional affair be considered cheating if there was no sexual contact? What about the secret use of pornography? Some people are confused about whether they have the “right”to be angry with their spouse when faced with any kind of betrayal, because they are unsure if the behavior has crossed the line to be considered “cheating”. The definition for the word cheating is “to deceive or trick.” Cheating has occurred in the relationship when boundaries have been disrespected. Every relationship is defined by the boundaries that have been established to protect the relationship. Once the boundaries of the relationship have been crossed, the result is broken trust. If a person thinks that the actions that their spouse engaged in are defined as cheating, then it is. A person can feel it when they have been betrayed by a loved one. They will feel it by the anxiety, mistrust and anger that build up towards the betrayer. Intuition usually tells a person that something is not right in the relationship. Cheating and betrayal are detrimental to the relationship. The foundation of the relationship has been ripped away. The foundation of any relationship is trust, and once trust has been broken, it will take a long time to rebuild. People know that betrayal has occurred because they will no longer feel the unconditional trust. They will start to second guess and question if their spouse is actually truthful A spouse has cheated and betrayed the marriage when there has been an emotional affair, secret viewing of pornography, planning of an encounter- or whatever it may have been, when it is done outside of what is considered appropriate in the relationship. It is pointless to try to convince someone that certain behaviors are not considered cheating because the damage has already been done. The repair work will still need to be done in order for the relationship to survive. The relationship has been put in danger and iwill take significant time to rebuild the trust. The foundation of the relationship will be wobbly until trust is restored. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. If sex addiction has consumed your life and the marriage is now in jeopardy due to your actions, you need to fight for your spouse if you want to save the marriage. You fight for your spouse by following through on your recovery work, attending groups and seeing your therapist. You fight for your spouse by not defending yourself, your actions or by turning the tables and making everything about you and your recovery. You fight for your spouse by supporting her through her recovery. Being supportive is to allow your spouse to share the pain, fear and anxiety that the addiction has caused her, and you taking accountability for the actions that led to her despair. You simply state, “I see that you are in pain and my actions caused that. I am sorry.” You also know that the past cannot be undone, so you could state, “What can I do for you today/ now?” When your spouse is triggered or wants to share her feeling, allow her to do so. Do not make this time about you and how great you are doing in recovery. Remember, your spouse needs you to fight for her. You fight by making it about her and her feelings. When she shares how she feels, you may simply say, “Tell me more about that” or “Is there something else that you would like to say?” This is not the time to become defensive, sarcastic or making it about you. Fighting for one’s spouse does not mean that you allow verbal or physical abuse from your spouse. You excuse yourself if verbal abuse or raging takes place. You may simply say, “I can see how angry you are right now. I would like to hear more about that at a time when we can both talk calmly about this. Please let me know when it is a good time for us to continue this conversation. “ It takes courage and practice to learn to hear and tolerate the pain that has been inflicted upon your spouse. In the past, you may have become impatient, defensive, angry and unable to hear the message.Your spouse needs you to hear her. Your spouse needs you to validate the pain that your actions caused her. Relationships can make it, and even become stronger following sex addiction recovery, but your road to couple’s recovery will be longer -unless you can hear her. Relationships are more likely to end, even if the acting out has stopped, if the sex addict becomes “the hurry up guy.” Dr. Weiss describes the “hurry up guy” as the person who cannot tolerate the pain he has caused. He just wants to move on quickly. He cannot allow for his spouse to grieve. The “hurry up guy” wants it all the acting out to be behind them, as if nothing has happened. It doesn’t work that way. She needs you to fight for her no matter how long it takes. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinneyCounseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling and Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. The TV stories about the celebrity relationships ending due to betrayal are quite frequent these days. Many people also have family members or friends who share their devastation and pain relating to infidelity or deceit in their relationships. Other than the obvious: infidelity, sex addiction, physical and emotional abuse, there are many other betrayal areas that may also play out in a marriage. According to Dr. John Gottman, there are some main areas of betrayal that may play out in relationships that can be devastating to the marriage. 1. Conditional Commitment- This is the kind of relationship where everything is “well” until the next best thing comes around. It is a shallow relationship where either one, or both, people are not truly invested in deepening the commitment. Deep issues are not discussed. This may be the couple who married because they felt pressured or felt like they “should” instead of wanting to. 2. A Nonsexual Affair/ Emotional Affair- The marriage may be in trouble when there is a “work wife” or “work husband” involved. This work confidant is someone outside of the marriage who has been told a lot of private information about the marriage and is described as “just a friend” from work. Having close friends is fine, but if intimate information is shared that may make the other spouse uncomfortable should they know, the line may be crossed from a friendship onto the side of a nonsexual/emotional affair. 3. Lying-Some couples may lie to each other as an attempt to avoid tension and conflict in the relationship. As a result, there is a breach of trust. Secrets keeping is harmful to the relationship, but it can be worked through, unless one person is a chronic liar. Chronic lying is a pattern established in childhood and that pattern may have additional challenges to be worked through. Regardless, lies and secret keeping in marriage is destructive. 4. Forming a Coalition Against the Partner- This is the “ganging up” tactic used against one spouse. Maybe it is the husband who gangs up on this wife by having his mother as his ally, or it is the wife who colludes with her mother to gang up on the husband. Either way, it is destructive to the marriage. Boundaries need to be established around how much is shared with others who may interfere in the relationship. Dr. John Gottman also identifies several other betrayal areas in marriage, such as: coldness, withdrawal of sexual interest, and disrespect. This list is not all inclusive and there are many other areas to explore. If you identify with an area, it does not mean that your marriage is doomed. It simply means that there are areas of concern that you need to work on in order to make the marriage stronger. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. Anyone who is married to an intimacy anorexic spouse knows that every little crumb counts. That little crumb is what keeps you going, keeps you engaged and also maintains you in a vicious cycle of emotional starvation. You probably do not feel cherished or nurtured in the marriage. You are more likely to feel like a roommate, employee or nanny than a spouse. You may have become used to this pattern and depend heavily on the “crumbs.” The intimacy anorexic spouse will MOST of the time be the one who shames, blames, withholds sex, praise, and/ or love. Your spouse may also rely on controlling and creating distance between the two of you by using silence or angry outbursts. Feelings are not often openly shared with you. The intimacy anorexia arsenal is used on more of an “on average” basis because the intimacy anorexic will not utilize these deprivation tools ALL the time. The anorexic spouse will actually throw you a crumb now and then. The crumb will be thrown out for you to grab and hold onto when you complain that you do not feel loved, cherished or important to your spouse. The anorexic will soften momentarily and send you a crumb that can consist of an “I love you” text or an occasional hug. These crumbs may be confusing at times because MOST of the time you feel emotionally starved, yet on an occasion, there is a hug, an appreciation or an affectionate kiss. Psychologist Doug Weiss states that the intimacy anorexic behaviors are intentional. The behaviors are purposefully done to maintain the intimacy walls in the relationship. When you attempt to get emotionally close, the anorexic can throw out the silent treatment, anger outbursts or the blame/shame game to get you off their back. Sometimes, they will throw out a little affection to get you to back off on your confrontation regarding the lack of emotional or sexual intimacy. The intimacy anorexic’s intentions are normally not to divorce or leave you because that makes them look bad. They prefer to have you there, yet have the emotional walls up, and keep you emotionally starved. Nurturing and cherishing one’s spouse should be consistent over time. If you are receiving crumbs and feel emotionally starved by your spouse, you may benefit from reading Intimacy Anorexia by Dr. Doug Weiss, or seek a therapist who has specialized training in this area. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area. |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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July 2016
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ServicesIndividual therapy
Marriage counseling EMDR |
Contact IngelaPhone: 214-551-0422
E-mail: Ingelaedwards@hotmail.com |