Anyone who is in recovery knows that there are times when the addict comes calling. The addict is the part of the brain that tells you that you should act out. The addict helps you minimize, deny and rationalize your behaviors. The early stages of recovery are tough because the addict has a lot of strength, is a part of rituals, and helps you feel “normal”. Obviously, you also know that the addict is also poisonous and will eventually turn your life into chaos. So when the addict part of your brain, comes knocking, what can you do? Dr. Doug Weiss recommends that any person in sex addiction recovery utilizes The 5 Commandments. The 5 commandments consist of: 1. Pray in themorning- this applies to all recovering addicts regardless of your religious affiliation or spiritual beliefs. If you are not involved in any religion or have any religious beliefs, Dr. Weiss still suggests that you pray. You might say: “Hi God, Higher Power, Guiding light,” or whatever you choose. “I do not believe in you, but I have been asked to pray. Please provide me with strength and courage to stay sober today.” 2. Meetings- you may have surrounded yourself with the false illusion that you can recover by yourself. You have told yourself that you can quit this addiction on your own. Over time, and many failures, you may realize that there is a power in being “WE” and “US” instead of being “I”. Attending meetings are powerful tools in keeping the addict at bay. There are free 12 step meetings, such as SLAA, SA and SAA. There are also therapeutic work groups offered at many therapists’offices. 3. Calls- when the addict come calling, you pick up the phone and call the people who support you in your recovery. “We are not all insane at the same time,” is a saying from the 12 step community that implies that you may be struggling, and not able to see clearly at times, but there will be someone in your healing community who can help you on the right track 4. Recovery Readings- Knowledge is power; power to fight the urges that appear along the way. The more you read and learn about your addiction, the better equipped you will be to handle stress, triggers, and learning ways to guard yourself from your addict. 5. Pray in the evening- At the end of the day, you pray. Allow yourself to feel the pride, joy and relief for experiencing another day of sobriety. As you may have experienced, there is no quick fix or magic wand to make this journey easy. Recovery is not a sprint; it is a marathon. You practice, you seek insight and you seek support. Other areas of importance to explore are: family of origin, boundaries, coping skills, self-esteem and core messages. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Partners of sex addicts have sometimes been labelled as: codependent, enablers, co-addicts,and "dis-eased' just to mention a few of the terms that I have heard in the last few years. The women whom I work with do not fit these labels that were automatically assigned to them in the past. Partners of sex addicts have been betrayed, exposed to lies and secret keeping from the person that they thought was their best friend, confidant, and partner in life. Once a person’s life is turned upside down due to the revelation of a loved one’s sex addition, sex addiction induced trauma is likely to follow. Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma (SAI-T) is defined by Omar Minwalla as:“the specific type of trauma and traumatic symptom clusters that result from the direct impact of sex addiction and its associated chronic patterns of sexual acting out, relational perpetration, emotional abuse, deception, betrayal, psychological manipulation and compartmentalization on self and others, particularly partners and spouses impacted by sex addiction.” Barbara Steffens also described in her book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, the trauma symptoms that are often present in many partners of sex addicts. Advocacy for the partner of the sex addict has been slow to change the ways experts in the field work with partners. Finally, it is here. The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) was recently established by a team of professionals from across the United States who work with partners from a sex addiction induced trauma model perspective. The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) is a non-profit organization dedicated to the professional training and certification, public education, research, and advocacy for treatment of sex addiction-induced trauma. Announcing the inaugural APSATS Board of Directors and officers: Barbara Steffens PhD, LPCC, BCC , CCSAS – Cincinnati, Ohio - President Omar Minwalla, PsyD – Los Angeles, California - Vice President Janice Caudill, PhD, CSAT, SRT, SEP – McKinney, Texas - Vice President Dan Drake, MFT, CSAT – Los Angeles, California - Secretary Dave Brown, M.Div.,LISW, CPSAS – Cincinnati, Ohio - Treasurer Dorit Reichental, MA, MFT Intern, CPCC, ACC – Los Angeles, California Richard Blankenship, MA, LPC, NCC, CCSAS – Atlanta, Georgia Marnie Breecker, MA, MFT, CSAT – Los Angeles, California Ella Hutchinson, MA, LPC, CCSAS – Houston, Texas Ingela Edwards MS, LPC Intern, NCC – McKinney, Texas I am proud to be a part of this movement and to serve on this board. For more information about APSATS, email partnertrauma@gmail.com or visit www.partnertraumaspecialists.org Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Secrets usually surround and protect sex addiction. Commonly, sex addicts will minimize, deny or rationalize the addiction. The addict may tell himself that no one is getting hurt because the addiction is done in secret. The truth is, eventually sex addiction leads to a state of turmoil, and the family can also be strongly affected. If you are a person who struggles with sex addiction, you may know the personal pain that the addiction has brought you. You may have spent years trying to stop your behavior and struggled with feelings of shame, guilt and unworthiness. Maybe you are still telling yourself that it doesn’t harm anyone, because no one knows? Your sex addiction not only harms you along the way. It also puts your spouse in harm’s way. If you are using pornography, you will probably have less time to nurture, support and build emotional intimacy with your spouse. As you go deeper into your addiction, you may be irritable and blaming towards your spouse and the addict part of you becomes very critical of others. When the lies to cover up the addiction have been exposed, your spouse will not trust you. She will experience pain, anxiety, confusion, and anger. She may starts experiencing trauma response like symptoms. In cases of acting out with others, your spouse may have been exposed to STD’s as a result of your addiction. If you have children, they will be affected by your sex addiction also. They are affected when there is limited time spent with them because you choose your addiction over them. Emotionally, they may also suffer as most addicts are emotionally immature and do not know how to cope with negative emotions. Sex addiction will make you cranky and irritable, as the next “fix” is sought. Children may be exposed to angry outbursts and emotional neglect. Your children may also lose out on their mother’s attention, as she may be too overwhelmed by your addiction to be totally present with the children. The ripple effect is enormous and goes way beyond what is discussed here. If you struggle with sex addiction, you deserve to experience recovery – not only for yourself, but also, for your spouse and your children. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinneyCounseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Anger alerts us to the fact that something is wrong. We need to stop and figure out what is beneath the anger. Is it that we have been betrayed, disrespected or that we feel fearful and unimportant? On the surface, we fume and show our anger, but within we may feel wounded. If you have been betrayed by your spouse due to lies, infidelity or sex addiction, then you are probably on an emotional roller coaster. You may be experiencing rage, despair, numbness and shock. There are days when you allow the tears and the feelings of pain to sink in, and there may be days where you fight off the feelings of pain. Instead of showing the pain, your body oozes of anger and resentment. Anger is normal. Anger can also be toxic. If you stay in a state of anger and resentment, your world becomes small and dark. Not only have you been betrayed by someone you thought you could count on, but you may now be abandoning yourself by succumbing to the darkness of anger to rule your life. At first, your anger is 100 percent legitimate. However, if you are still consumed by anger and resentment months following disclosure, then it is time to get to work to spew out the anger that holds you trapped. If you stay in this world, you will not be able to be your best self as a parent, friend, spouse or sibling. Try to analyze your anger: what specifically are you angry about? What fears are involved in the anger? Write an anger letter where you write down everything that you feel and think. DO NOT send this letter or allow the person whom you are addressing in the letter to see this letter. This is a private “spew your anger” moment. Read it out loud to yourself several times, then do something to release the built up anger. Some people prefer to hit a pillow, some need to go for a run and some prefer to throw ice cubes to release the built up anger. Do what works best for you. Find a therapist who has training in healing from betrayal, and allow yourself to be guided and encouraged as you work through what is keeping you trapped. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. It takes two people to participate in emotional blackmail: the blackmailer and the unsuspecting recipient. The blackmailer uses F.O.G to disorient and manipulate. The unsuspecting recipient takes the emotional blackmail bait and buys into the fear, obligation and guilt. The F.O.G
acronym is the disguise that is used upon someone to get what the emotional blackmailer wants. “F” is for using fear to manipulate. “O” is for obligation, and “G” is for guilt. Fear can be utilized to control someone’s behavior. The blackmailer may state that they will harm themselves if they are rejected or abandoned .Obligation is a clever trick where the blackmailer may try to get what they want by telling others: “after everything that I have done for you, how could you say no?” Guilt is the weapon utilized with the intent of hoping that the other person will feel guilty about their own decisions, and if the blackmailer is really successful, they may actually produce shame in the other person. The person then feels badly and complies with that the blackmailer is trying to accomplish. A blackmailer can be a friend, spouse, parent or co-worker. They are expert manipulators. Yet, the emotional blackmailer’s repertoire is only effective if there is someone willing to oblige. When someone suspects that they are being emotionally blackmailed, it is crucial to have a boundary check. Ask yourself: “Are my boundaries being infringed on? Am I changing my boundaries to please the blackmailer?" If you answer yes, then you know that you are a prime candidate for manipulation.Revisit the boundaries that you have for yourself, evaluate what has been infringed upon and reaffirm the importance of your boundaries. Once boundaries are intact, the blackmailer’s attack will no longer work. Susan Forward’s book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt toManipulate You, discusses emotional blackmail in detail and provides various examples of emotional blackmail in relationships. If you feel like you are in a relationship with someone who uses F.O.G as a way to manipulate you, seek out a therapist who has experience in this area and learn to establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself from the blackmailer’s intentional emotional manipulation. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinneyCounseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. “Your actions speak so loudly, I cannot hear what you say”- Source Unknown
Once trust has been broken in a relationship, it is very difficult to restore. It takes time and a consistent show of certain behaviors to rebuild trust. It is a process that has no quick fix. Trust can be broken in relationships due to infidelity, addictions or due to other lies and deception. Whatever the reason, once trust has been broken, the relationship is in a state of crisis. One aspect of rebuilding trust is to stop listening to the words spoken and watch for consistent behaviors over time. Listening and believing words spoken by a person who has been proven to be an unreliable source only creates additional anxiety and can be crazy making in itself. An addict often lies to protect the addiction, an unfaithful spouse lies to protect the secret relationship, and some people lie to avoid true intimacy in a relationship. Sometimes, there are so many lies told that it is impossible to sort out what is true and what is not. Do not spend time engaged in head games. Attention should be paid to observable behaviors. If the unreliable person is actually in recovery, then the behaviors that back that up would be seeing them reading recovery materials, attending groups, participating in therapy and utilizing new coping skills. If the not so truthful person has engaged in infidelity, then the behaviors that may support an end to the illicit relationship could be complete transparency with phone and email accounts, the end to unexplained absences, and show of empathy and regret for the pain they have caused. Broken trust produces pain, fear and anxiety. There is no quick fix to this issue. Often people will report that their intuition had been telling them all along what the truth is; however, often this was ignored in place of believing the words spoken by the deceiver. If finding out that a person has broken trust, believe behaviors, focus on your own well-being and allow time to provide all the answers that you need. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Once an affair has been exposed, the marriage may be put in a state of crisis. If you are a couple, struggling with the aftermath of infidelity in your marriage, you are experiencing anger, pain and confusion regarding the state of the marriage. Both of you may be wondering if the marriage is strong enough to survive this?
There are three issues that you may find helpful to know as you both work through this difficult time. First, consider the importance of time. Do not rush into hasty decisions that are based on your raw emotions at this time. Do not rush towards any major decision and allow time to process what has happened. As a couple, you may feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster. Secondly, consider who to tell. Evaluate who your safe people are. Safe people are those who will not pass judgment or hold it over your head regarding your decisions. It may not be in your best interest to engage your families or best friends. Regardless of who you decide to tell, take time to evaluate how these selected people will react. You do not want to choose people who will hold a grudge or ill feelings towards a spouse, should you decide to work on healing the marriage. Thirdly, explore how this happened. The betrayed spouse is never blamed or at fault for the infidelity that intruded upon the marriage. It is important, however, to evaluate all disconnects that may have been present in the marriage. Both of you may have shut down, avoided discussing problems, or sharing what you are experiencing. Sometimes, couples do not communicate what their needs are due to fears of rejection, hurting their spouse or inability to identify needs. A therapist can guide you through the ups and downs following infidelity. In counseling you decide what your goals are and the therapist works with you to meet the goals that you have established. The blame factor does not play a part in counseling, but accountability is an important factor. The straying spouse needs to be accountable for the choice of infidelity and not blame the betrayed spouse as an escape from accountability. The betrayed spouse must also be willing to work towards the healing of the marriage and not hold the infidelity as a constant poison in the marriage . It is encouraged to explore what the marriage looked like before the affair and during the affair. This is done to discover what disconnects there may have been between the two of you. It is possible to restore a marriage following infidelity. It will take work, honesty and willingness to commit to the process. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. If you are a couple who is struggling with the aftermath of infidelity, it may be helpful to identify what went wrong in the marriage and to know about the stages of infidelity in order to learn and heal. First of all, it is important for you both to acknowledge and know that the betrayed spouse is never blamed or at fault.
When one spouse chooses to have an affair, they have the sole responsibility for choosing to step outside the marriage. They need to be accountable for their actions, and finger pointing is not helpful. The spouse who had the affair decided to do so for a variety of reasons. If they were not happy in the marriage, they could have addressed this in the marriage. However, there are important stages to explore as it relates to infidelity that most likely relate to both parties. Below are the four stages relating to infidelity as identified by Don-David Lusterman, PhD : Stage1: Poor Self-Disclosure and Problem-Solving Many couples who are affected by infidelity may appear to be doing okay on the surface. However, if you dig deeper, you may find that both of you have difficulty sharing how you truly feel and think. As a couple, you probably have difficulty revealing yourselves to each other. You may not discuss problems, feelings and areas of discontent with each other. Pain, anger, frustration, hurt and other unresolved issues were not dealt with and left to linger and burden the marriage. The inability to work through and talk openly about feelings may have lead you both to resentment and unresolved issues that weigh down the marriage and lead to discontentment. Stage 2: Onset of the Affair As a means to medicate the unresolved anger, unmet needs or the need to seek power and soothe an ego, one of you decided to reach out to someone outside the marriage who was willing to provide the “fix” of unmet needs .During this stage, the betrayed spouse was not aware that an affair had intruded upon the marriage. Stage 3: Cold Rage At this point, you as the betrayed spouse did not have a conscious awareness of the affair, but you probably sensed that something was not quite right. As a couple, you felt disconnected. One of you, or both of you, may have shut down sexually or less time was spent together. This sense of “things not being right” lead to anger for the betrayed spouse. During this stage, the betrayed spouse confronted the straying spouse, but all inquiries of infidelity were denied. Anger and frustration was constantly increasing within the marriage. Stage 4: Hot Rage As a couple, the Hot Rage stage is the ultimate blow up that put the marriage in a state of crisis. The betrayed spouse, who had been in denial, despite the sense of things being “off” in the marriage, now knows of the affair. This is the stage where it is obvious and the evidence is too overwhelming to deny. The built up, stuffed anger now explodes into a fit of rage. The marriage is in a state of crisis. A crisis is a traumatic event. It is also a time for potential change and hope. One change can be the couple’scapability of working through the betrayal and what went wrong. Another is that the discovery may signal the death of a relationship. As a couple, you may relate to the above stages. You will also know that when infidelity is discovered in the marriage, there is a tremendous amount of pain, anger and insecurity. Emotions do not need to steer you in a direction or another. Allow yourselves to feel the emotions and give yourselves permission to take some time to decide how you wish to proceed. Infidelity can be the end of a marriage. Infidelity can also serve as a wakeup call as to the state of the marriage. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at Mckinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National CertifiedCounselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S
When people get married, they bring their own ideas about emotional closeness and what a happy marriage should look like. Most people envision romance, unconditional love and an endless supply of support, care and nurturing from their spouse. The fairy tale marriage does not always come true. Sometimes people find themselves in an emotionally starved marriage. The emotionally starved spouse who feels ignored may address the issue with hopes of connecting with their spouse, and in return receive a dismissive comment. This pattern continues until frustration levels reach the limit. Couple’s often come to counseling due to intimacy issues in the relationship. It may be that one spouse has intimacy anorexia tendencies. The term intimacy anorexia is coined by psychologist Doug Weiss and refers to a person who normally shames, blames, and strategically criticizes their spouse. This person is may be controlling with money and withholds love, sex and appreciations from their spouse. Commonly, the emotionally starved spouse will report feeling more like a roommate than a spouse. After several unsuccessful attempts at developing true intimacy in the marriage, the emotionally starved spouse may shut down in order to self-protect. What was originally motivated by self-protection may evolve into payback fueled by anger and sadness stemming from the emotional neglect. They may start using the same tactics of shutting out their spouse. Now a vicious circle of shame, blame, anger and withholding has been created. This response of starting to utilize the intimacy anorexic tendencies is referred to as reactive intimacy anorexia. The reactive intimacy anorexic spouse came into the marriage seeking ongoing intimacy with their spouse. They were able to take accountability for their actions, share their feelings and show love through affection, praise and respect for their spouse. They wanted to spend time with their spouse. Most people who became the reactive intimacy anorexic did not intend to participate in the emotional starvation game. The pattern of withholding and criticizing appeared gradually over a long period of time as a reactive response to being emotionally starved. Reactive intimacy anorexia appears as a side effect of being ignored and emotionally starved. The ignored spouse eventually shuts down and shuts out the neglectful spouse. It can be very difficult for people to be loving, praising and sexual with a spouse whom they cannot connect with -as all attempts are blocked. You may be experiencing reactive intimacy anorexia and no longer wish to state your thoughts, feelings or opinions because of the verbal attacks that you have received in the past. You now see your spouse as all bad and anything that goes wrong is blamed on your spouse. As this vicious circle spins out of control, the marriage will get progressively worse. The circle keeps spinning until one spouse realizes that it is time to step out, and seek treatment in an effort to restore the marriage. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Women and Infidelity: When Bringing Home the Pay Check
is Not Enough By: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S Infidelity causes havoc, pain and chaos in any relationship. The feeling of betrayal cuts deep and rebuilding trust will be a long process. Engaging in infidelity is an escape from reality. Infidelity is an escape from paying the mortgage, carpooling and buying groceries- and it comes with a hefty price tag. A person who chooses to engage in infidelity to escape the sometimes mundane ways of life, low self-esteem or whatever the reason may be, is probably not thinking ahead. Infidelity causes trust issues and sometimes the damage becomes irreparable. If a person feels unloved, disrespected, taken for granted and emotionally starved by the spouse, I would suggest seeking out professional help before deciding to sneak around and have a fling in a dysfunctional effort to spice up life. It is more difficult to work on repairing the marriage following betrayal than it is to work on preventative measures which could include improving communication styles, identifying needs, conflict resolution and past grievances. Lately, I have had more couples come to counseling in an effort to restore their marriage following infidelity due to the wife having an affair. Actually, of all people who choose to engage in infidelity, approximately 40 percent are women. Women are catching up with men in the cheating department, which may be shocking to some. So, I do not advocate or agree with infidelity. But why do some women cheat? I have heard that emotional starvation plays a large part in it. The women whom I counseled following their infidelity reported that they did not intend, or plan to have an affair. It started innocently as a friendship and developed into an emotional affair, which then turned sexual over time. These women did not have any intentions of leaving their husbands. They stated that the disconnection in the marriage had grown. They reported attempts at trying to talk to their husbands regarding the lack of emotional intimacy, only to be dismissed and ignored. Starving the spouse emotionally may not give anybody and excuse for engaging in infidelity. However, the topic of emotional starvation can serve as an eye opener to many couples. Bringing home a pay check is not enough to keep a marriage healthy. Keeping a marriage healthy requires communicating on a deeper level, sharing feelings, caring for the marriage and telling the truth about who you are, what you want and what you need - even when that may feel awkward. I often recommend that couples read The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real and Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell in an effort to change the dynamics in the relationship. It is easier to address the issues in the marriage before trust is broken. For most people, marriage is a commitment and there are often issues to be addressed- on a continuous basis. Ignoring the emotional starvation or the needs that are not being met will not improve anything, instead it adds to resentment towards your spouse and the emotional distancing increases. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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July 2016
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ServicesIndividual therapy
Marriage counseling EMDR |
Contact IngelaPhone: 214-551-0422
E-mail: Ingelaedwards@hotmail.com |