If you are a person in recovery, you have certainly traveled a long recovery journey: acknowledged your powerlessness, taken a personal inventory, shared your character defects and then eventually arrived at Step 9: Making Amends. Many find this step anxiety producing, yet freeing. You are at a spot in your recovery where you are able to take accountability for the hurt that your actions have caused others and to make amends.
            What if your amends aren’t welcomed at the time that you are ready to take this significant step? What if your spouse or your teenage child does not want to hear or accept it? What if they are not ready? What if they can’t? As you will have needed support through this, so will they. It is important that everyone in the family unit receives counseling and/or attends appropriate meetings to get the support and knowledge that they will need on this journey. Your loved ones will have suffered consequences as a result of your actions. They will have experienced hurt, sadness, betrayal and anger. This list may go on and on.
            Step 9 involves making amends whenever possible, EXCEPT when it may hurt others. If your loved one is not ready, you can’t force them, nor should you. An angry, hurt teenager may not welcome your amends at this time. It will need to happen on their timeline- not yours. A distraught spouse may not have been able to work through their grief, hurt, anger that your addiction brought the family. They may not be ready when you get there. You can reach out, state your intent and ask them to let you know when they may be ready and willing to hear the amends.
            You have worked hard to get to this point. Your loved ones will have needed to work hard in order to be ready. It can’t be forced because you are ready. This step and healing only comes when everyone gets there.

Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.

You may have been keeping a secret from your spouse for a long time. There may have been times in the past when you wanted to disclose the secret, but the fears of the unknown reactions kept you from saying anything.  Maybe you had no desire to share the secret, but it was accidentally discovered. Anyhow, when secrets come out, the relationship will be rocky for a while. 

Once the secret is out, you may have thought that your spouse would be mad and hurt for a couple of weeks, then get over it. That is probably not the case. Whether the secret involves infidelity, compulsive pornography use, drug use or other acting out behaviors, you spouse is likely to be in pure
disbelief at first. Then there may be anger, confusion and pain. There is no time limit on how long the healing process takes as it’s a very individualized.

Your spouse will need time to heal, recover and eventually learn to trust you again in order for the relationship to survive. Going forward, you will need to practice rigorous honesty. You will need to be sensitive to your spouse’s needs and understand that the pain of the secret keeping will take time to heal. There may be times when the relationship seems to be worse as you go through the healing process. The relationship is actually not worse. The relationship has now become honest and sometimes honesty really hurts.  Many things that have not been talked about in the past will now need to be addressed. There will be feelings that need to be processed in order to move forward. It will be uncomfortable and painful at times.  

You can apologize for the pain you have caused, but you can’t go back and have a redo. What you can do is to stay in the present. Listen to your spouse and ask what you can do to help. Do not tell your spouse how they should or should not feel.  Do not get angry or defensive.  Research shows that couples who are able to keep the communication open and honest are able to heal faster. If you feel like you can’t talk about it and just want to “hurry up and get over it,” you will only prolong the recovery process. There is no way around or a quick fix.You will need to answer questions, display complete transparency and implement boundaries for yourself and the relationship. It is hard work, but it is doable. Many people report feeling stronger and more confident is their relationship following all the work that both parties need to invest in  in order to restore the relationship.

Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS specializes in helping individuals and couples
heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. Ingela Edwards Counseling serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.

If you are in recovery for sexual addiction and you are in a relationship, you have learned that not only do you need to keep your own recovery in check; you will also need to consider your partner’s recovery. The same goes for relationships healing from infidelity.  There are certain things that you want to avoid, so that your spouse is not triggered again. 

Following disclosure, a triggering moment would be if you become defensive when asked about your progress in recovery/therapy. When you become defensive, it may signal that you have something to hide.  If you allow defensiveness and irritation to seep through because you have repeatedly been asked about the same thing and you feel like that topic has been covered, you need to put yourself in her shoes. Your spouse will ask about your recovery or progress as many times as she needs to. Your spouse may be asking you these questions for the purpose of seeking some kind of emotional safety in a relationship where she may not have had any for some time.

When your partner asks you about your progress, she is not attempting to be controlling or nosy. Her world has been turned upside down and she is still trying to seek safety in the relationship. She still wants to stand by you. When asking about your recovery, she needs to know that you are also taking the relationship repair seriously. She feels like you are holding her heart in your hands. You have hurt her and she knows that the chance of getting hurt again is a possibility. She is afraid and she asks for confirmation of safety.

When you become defensive, irritable and angry in response, you have threatened her security of safety in the relationship. She has now become triggered and doesn’t know if she is emotionally safe with you. She may think that you have something to hide and that you are still lying and manipulating. Rebuilding trust and healing the relationship will take complete openness,honesty and a belief in the behaviors that you are displaying. 

Instead of her having to ask you about your recovery, willingly share it. You are not asked to share all your personal notes about recovery, but share how many meetings you have attended, share what step you are on or what general exercise you are currently working on. This allows more stability and relieves anxiety and irritation. When you have seen your therapist, share in general terms about what you discovered or learned. You do not have to share details. This allows for your spouse to see that the recoveryof the relationship is also important to you and that she is not alone in working towards rebuilding the relationship. 

Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco,
Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.

Anyone who has ever worked on addiction recovery will know how difficult it can be.  Once you think you have your addiction under some control, it shows up with super strength powers that can leave you in turmoil and fear. The addict side will start having dialogues with you. The addict in you may send messages that states that you are a loser, shameful,” less than” and tells you that you will never make it in recovery. The addict bait may drag you into victim mode.

The addict bait is the nonstop negative messages that you send yourself. Addict bait is the very powerful negative thoughts that you allow to linger in your mind. These thoughts are designed to get you off your recovery plan and back into the addiction. The addict part of you will start churning the addictive cravings.

If you take the addict bait, you have left yourself very vulnerable. Most likely, you will be so focused on all the negatives that you will no longer be able to see the great changes that you have made in your recovery. You will be unable to see that you have many accomplishments and made strides in your recovery. The addict bait is so powerful that it constantly repeats the messages of unworthiness and shame. It becomes like a broken record in your brain.

The first step in combating the addict bait is to start doing affirmations, identifying the negative cognitions that you utilize and not to succumb to the repeating messages that your addict is telling you. This is a
choice. You can allow the addict bait and stay with the thoughts of how horrible things are and keep playing that message, or you can choose to change the thought patterns by switching the message the addict is sending you and contradicting that by the use of a positive cognition.

Instead of feeding into the message of “I am a loser and good things will never happen to me,” you may contradict that by saying: “I have made mistakes and am choosing to take steps to improve my
life.”  These tips may sound elementary, but they work. They work when you work it- working it daily,
sometimes hourly if need to be. There is no “magic wand quick fix”, but not taking the addict bait, is an important hurdle to overcome. It starts with you. It starts with your thoughts and learning not to accept the bait as an invitation to roll straight back into behaviors that brought you to despair in the first place.

Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy
deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.

If sex addiction has consumed your life and the marriage is now in jeopardy due to your actions, you need to fight for your spouse if you want to save the marriage. You fight for your spouse by following through on your recovery work, attending groups and seeing your therapist. You fight for your spouse by not defending yourself, your actions or by turning the tables and making everything about you and your recovery. You fight for your spouse by supporting her through her recovery.

Being supportive is to allow your spouse to share the pain, fear
and anxiety that the addiction has caused her, and you taking accountability for the actions that led to her despair. You simply state, “I see that you are in pain and my actions caused that. I am sorry.” You also know that the past cannot be undone, so you could state, “What can I do for you today/ now?” 
 
When your spouse is triggered or wants to share her feeling, allow her to do so. Do not make this time about you and how great you are doing in recovery. Remember, your spouse needs you to fight for her. You
fight by making it about her and her feelings. When she shares how she feels, you may simply say, “Tell me more about that” or “Is there something else that you would like to say?”  This is not the time to become defensive, sarcastic or making it about you. 
 
Fighting for one’s spouse does not mean that you allow verbal or physical abuse from your spouse. You excuse yourself if verbal abuse or raging takes place. You may simply say, “I can see how angry you are right now. I would like to hear more about that at a time when we can both talk calmly about this. Please let me know when it is a good time for us to continue this conversation. “


It takes courage and practice to learn to hear and tolerate the pain that has been inflicted upon your spouse. In the past, you may have become impatient, defensive, angry and unable to hear the message.Your spouse needs you to hear her. Your spouse needs you to validate the pain that your actions caused her. Relationships can make it, and even become stronger following sex addiction recovery, but your road to couple’s recovery will be longer -unless you can hear her.


Relationships are more likely to end, even if the acting out has stopped, if the sex addict becomes “the hurry up guy.” Dr. Weiss describes the “hurry up guy” as the person who cannot tolerate the pain he has caused. He just wants to move on quickly. He cannot allow for his spouse to grieve. The “hurry up guy” wants it all the acting out to be behind them, as if nothing has happened. It doesn’t work that way. She needs you to fight for her no matter how long it takes.
 
Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, SRT, therapist at McKinneyCounseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy
deprivation. McKinney Counseling and Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and Sherman area.

Anyone who is in recovery knows that there are times when the addict comes calling. The addict is the part of the brain that tells you that you should act out. The addict helps you minimize, deny and rationalize your behaviors. The early stages of recovery are tough because the addict has a lot of strength, is a part of rituals, and helps you feel “normal”. Obviously, you also know that the addict is also poisonous and will eventually turn your life into chaos.

So when the addict part of your brain, comes knocking, what can you do? Dr. Doug Weiss recommends that any person in sex addiction recovery utilizes The 5 Commandments. The 5 commandments
consist of:

1. Pray in themorning- this applies to all recovering addicts regardless of your religious affiliation or spiritual beliefs. If you are not involved in any religion or have any religious beliefs, Dr. Weiss still suggests that you pray. You might say: “Hi God, Higher Power, Guiding light,” or whatever you choose. “I do not believe in you, but I have been asked to pray. Please provide me with strength and courage to stay sober today.”

2. Meetings- you may have surrounded yourself with the false illusion that you can recover by yourself. You have told yourself that you can quit this addiction on your own. Over time, and many failures, you may realize that there is a power in being “WE” and “US” instead of being “I”. Attending meetings are powerful tools in keeping the addict at bay. There are free 12 step meetings, such as SLAA, SA and SAA. There are also therapeutic work groups offered at many therapists’offices. 

3. Calls- when the addict come calling, you pick up the phone and call the people who support you in your recovery. “We are not all insane at the same time,” is a saying from the 12 step community that implies that you may be struggling, and not able to see clearly at times, but there will be someone in your healing community who can help  you on the right track 

4. Recovery Readings- Knowledge is power; power to fight the urges that appear along the way. The more you read and learn about your addiction, the better equipped you will be to handle stress, triggers, and learning ways to guard yourself from your addict.

5. Pray in the evening- At the end of the day, you pray. Allow yourself to feel the pride, joy and relief for experiencing another day of
sobriety.

As you may have experienced, there is no quick fix or magic wand to
make this journey easy. Recovery is not a sprint; it is a marathon. You
practice, you seek insight and you seek support.  Other areas of importance to explore are: family of origin, boundaries, coping skills,
self-esteem and core messages.

Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area.

Secrets usually surround and protect sex addiction. Commonly, sex addicts will minimize, deny or rationalize the addiction. The addict may tell himself that no one is getting hurt because the addiction is
done in secret. The truth is, eventually sex addiction leads to a state of
turmoil, and the family can also be strongly affected.

If you are a person who struggles with sex addiction, you may know the
personal pain that the addiction has brought you. You may have spent years trying to stop your behavior and struggled with feelings of shame, guilt and unworthiness.  Maybe you are still telling yourself that it doesn’t harm anyone, because no one knows? 
 
Your sex addiction not only harms you along the way. It also puts your
spouse in harm’s way.  If you are using pornography, you will probably have less time to nurture, support and build emotional intimacy with your spouse. As you go deeper into your addiction, you may be irritable and blaming towards your spouse and the addict part of you becomes very critical of others. When the lies to cover up the addiction have been exposed, your spouse will not trust you. She will experience pain, anxiety, confusion, and anger. She may starts experiencing trauma response like symptoms.  In cases of acting out with others, your spouse may have been exposed to STD’s as a result of your addiction.

 If you have children, they will be affected by your sex addiction also. They are affected when there is limited time spent with them because you choose your addiction over them. Emotionally, they may also suffer as most addicts are emotionally immature and do not know how to cope with negative emotions. Sex addiction will make you cranky and irritable, as the next “fix” is sought. Children may be exposed to angry outbursts and emotional neglect.  Your children may also lose out on their mother’s attention, as she may be too overwhelmed by your addiction to be totally present with the children. 

The ripple effect is enormous and goes way beyond what is discussed
here.  If you struggle with sex addiction, you deserve to experience recovery – not only for yourself, but also, for your spouse and your children. 

Ingela  Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinneyCounseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area.

“Your actions speak so loudly, I cannot hear what you say”- Source Unknown

Once trust has been broken in a relationship, it is very difficult to restore. It takes time and a consistent show of certain behaviors to rebuild trust. It is a process that has no quick fix. Trust can be broken in relationships due to infidelity, addictions or due to other lies and deception. Whatever the reason, once trust has been broken, the relationship is in a state of crisis.

One aspect of rebuilding trust is to stop listening to the words spoken and watch for consistent behaviors over time. Listening and believing words spoken by a person who has been proven to be an unreliable source only creates additional anxiety and can be crazy making in itself. An addict often lies to protect the addiction, an unfaithful spouse lies to protect the secret relationship, and some people lie to avoid true intimacy in a relationship. Sometimes, there are so many lies told that it is impossible to sort out what is true and what is not.

Do not spend time engaged in head games. Attention should be paid to observable behaviors. If the unreliable person is actually in recovery, then the behaviors that back that up would be seeing them reading recovery materials, attending groups, participating in therapy and utilizing new coping skills. If the not so truthful person has engaged in infidelity, then the behaviors that may support an end to the illicit relationship could be complete transparency with phone and email accounts, the end to unexplained absences, and show of empathy and regret for the pain they have caused.  

Broken trust produces pain, fear and anxiety. There is no quick fix to this issue. Often people will report that their intuition had been telling them all along what the truth is; however, often this was ignored in place of believing the words spoken by the deceiver. If finding out that a person has broken trust, believe behaviors, focus on your own well-being and allow time to provide all the answers that you need.


Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area.